调・色・版

回来一年了

2009-01-14T15:34:00.000+08:00

都一年了，感觉还是和过去一样非常强烈，真正明白这种感受的或许只有H和W和其他几个人了。

过去一年，我常常告诉自己，要学习习惯岛国的所有，可是到头来还是无法习惯，或许只是麻木而已。

我曾跟L说了我的累，没有多加解释她就直点头说明白，还说：“这样才有活着的感觉。”

或许，理想和现实之间总是有落差的。

进入第二年，我需要学习的是，如何在现有限制中尽量找寻逝去的快乐和乐观。

很累

2009-01-10T09:39:00.002+08:00

我真的很累很累很累，可是也不知道要怎么走出一部分是无谓的疲倦。

伦敦，为什么我会怀念你

2009-01-03T11:16:00.000+08:00

偶然看到这篇文章，很是感动，深知自己是无法回到以前的日子了，只好把简单的文字摘录在这里。

《伦敦，为什么我会怀念你》

英国《金融时报》中文网特约撰稿人王昉 2008-11-21

写下这个标题的时候，我坐在住了一年半的伦敦北二区的顶楼小屋里。生活如常，我还没有要离开这个城市。

就在今天早晨，我和一个国内朋友网聊时说，我已经将近十天没有见到阳光了，伦敦已经彻底沦陷在了冬日无边无涯的萧瑟阴郁之中。来英国之前听说有人因为天气太差而移民，我觉得真是小题大作。现在我不仅完全理解，而且比英国人更加不能自持，每日像祥林嫂一般念叨着阴晴。当连续第十个早晨拉开窗帘又是一片晦涩的阴雨天的时候，我觉得我离抑郁不远了。

就在今天中午，一位英国同事邀请我下了班去喝一杯，这是本周收到的第三次邀请。仗着和他关系不错，仗着他们英国的天气影响了我的心情，我忍不住发了一通牢骚。请问你们为什么要这样嗜饮呢就因为平常你们都太拘谨只有几杯下肚才能let loose敞开心扉正常交际吗。请问没有比在寒冬中一人手执一瓶站在酒吧门外哪怕冻得瑟瑟发抖也要喝冰冻啤酒更人性更有趣的娱乐方式吗。你们英国人的饮酒量在过去四十年翻了一番这样不好不安全不健康知道吗。

很多时候伦敦总是在这里或那里得罪着我。比如令人绝望的天气，比如必须一脸严肃地宣称“我对酒精过敏”才不会因为点个果汁而被人耻笑，比如贵到匪夷所思的物价，比如没有手机信号的地铁，比如傍晚六点就关门的百货商店。刚来时一个英国朋友问我对伦敦的看法，我说，这个城市就像女演员中的一种，要在某个特定的时刻，从某个特定的角度看过去才觉得入眼，其它时候你都在困惑她究竟好在哪里。

伦敦自然有它可爱的地方，比如它无所不包的博物馆和永远精彩的舞台，比如它的历史感，比如伦敦人的幽默与自嘲。很多人说伦敦和北京相似的一点是待得越久越喜欢。对这种说法我一直持怀疑态度。这就好比一个媒人介绍对象时说，此人毛病多多，但相处久了就习惯了一般不能让人信服。

可是，就在今天晚上，在不那么经意的一个瞬间，我心底突然被伦敦小小地牵动了一下，随之竟涌起一种尚未离开已经怀念的奇妙感觉。这种感觉越来越强烈，发展成一种不可遏止地要将它记录下来的冲动。

准确地说，这个瞬间发生在我回家的路上，我刚在伦敦政治经济学院听完了一场讲座。主讲人是个来自苏格兰的金融历史学家，现执教哈佛，讲座的主题是货币和金融危机。整个讲座妙趣横生，末尾的一段最为精彩。他说，各位，中国和美国的关系不就像一对夫妻，一个负责赚钱，一个负责花钱吗。台下大笑。他说，如果没有中国人的储蓄，就不会有眼下这场从美国蔓延到全球的金融危机，我们要去向何方，在很大程度上取决于一个词：Chimerica —— 这是他的首创，是把中国和美国的英文名字捏成了一个词。

在回家的路上想起这段话，我不禁微笑了起来，而我对伦敦忽然而至的依恋也就产生在了这个瞬间。还能有这样一个地方吗，它的大学可以邀请到这个世界上最智慧的头脑，最多元的言论，并且毫无保留地对公众开放，热切地邀请任何感兴趣的人一起进行思想的碰撞。还能有这样一个地方吗，你可以接触到对你以为已经熟知的祖国这般新鲜的，迥异的看法，说者或褒或抑，听者自行评断。还能有这样一个地方吗，我每隔三五天就要禁不住诱惑，下了班空着肚子跑进学校听两个小时讲座，人满了听不上的时候还要沮丧好一阵。

和很多旅居海外的中国人一样，我时常抱怨生活在异乡的寂寞。这并不一定是独处的寂寞，更多的是脱离了一整个熟悉的家庭和社会网络，失去座标一脚悬空的寂寞，是既然这国不是我的国，这家不是我的家，我为谁奋斗，成功了又与谁分享的寂寞。来了英国才明白什么叫作发达社会，那是一种一切都上了轨道，一切都尘埃落定的感觉，这常常令我无比怀念国内热气腾腾的，不论什么都可能发生，都正在发生的日新月异。我从来没有改变过回国的决心，和朋友聊天也总是说，与其远远祝福她，不如回去建设她。可是慢慢的，我开始有了一点困惑，我终于走到了这座围城的墙角。

一个在伦敦住了五年的朋友说，他初到此地最强烈的感受，是手机突然安静了。国内呼朋唤友的喧嚣戛然而止，取而代之的是必须独自打发的长夜和周末。对此我感同身受。最近和一个国内来访的朋友聊天时我说，回了国我一定要住市中心，让朋友围着暖着，弥补我这儿冷清的生活。这位朋友露出难以置信的神色说，回了国就怕你饭局party多到躲也来不及，你最大的梦想就是找个地方一个人待着。原来寂寞真的有它的美丽。回了国，我还有空捧着书在咖啡馆坐一个周日的下午吗，我还有心情下了班跑去大学听讲座吗，我会不会觉得如眼下这般花一个晚上写可有可无的字纯属浪费时间？

最近和一个刚在英国名校读完硕士的朋友吃饭，问起她的近况。她说毕业之后她为一个慈善机构工作，这个机构给她提供一套免费住房，外加每周不到七十镑的生活津贴，她必须节俭地生活，可是吃得饱穿得暖，而且很有成就感。我问她可想回国，她说回是肯定要回的，可是一旦回去，就要卷入为钱为房子奋斗的洪流了，别说家人朋友不会允许，就连她也不能允许自己再如眼下这般生活了，所以，还是要等她干一段自己想干的事情再回去。的确，回了国，我也要加入这滚滚洪流了吧，与众人一样奋力向前，如果泳技不佳，我会焦躁不安吗，我可以允许自己落后吗？

刚来伦敦的时候，碰到过一个水管工。他在我们约好的某日下午五点准时出现，穿着笔挺的制服，头一件事是拿出一份公司文件让我签名。大致意思是：你家住在三楼以上，如果有类似爬高爬低可能损害我们员工人身安全的要求，我们的员工可以拒绝接受。签了名，开始干活修管子。一个小时后，眼看就快搞定，水管工拍拍裤腿收拾工具起身要走。我大惊，问他就差这么一点儿不能干完再走吗，超出的时间我可以付钱。他说，六点收工是公司规定，如果破例会引起工会不满，你可以致电公司再约时间。这事成为我向人控诉伦敦服务业之低效的经典案例，末尾总要加上这充分体现了帝国主义腐朽没落之类的感叹。慢慢地，习惯了这边劳力的昂贵，习惯了就算有钱也不一定买得到他乐意，我发现这就是为什么在伦敦，即便是所谓底层的劳动人民，比如搬运工或者清洁工，也总是衣着整洁腰杆笔挺。贵是贵了，慢是慢了，但反而叫人珍惜起他们的服务来。是要最高效的经济增长，还是追求社会的平等尊严，伦敦选择了后者。回到国内，我还能真正从内心深处平等地对待一个水管工吗？即便我可以，他可以生活得有保障，有自信，以他的职业为荣而不是在人家之前自己先矮了一头去吗？

和好几位在伦敦生活了多年的中国朋友聊天，问他们最喜欢这里什么，一个词出现的频率最高：安全感。开始我不解，什么安全感？走在北京上海的街头也很安全啊。直到国内的毒奶粉事件出现，我终于开始明白，这是指对食物的质量，对生活的环境，对政府的政策，对自己的财产，对假定一觉醒来不会发生变化的事物，一觉醒来果然没有发生变化的安全感。前几天去参加BBC四台现场直播的Any Questions节目，主持人Jonathan Dimbleby从1987年开始主持这档节目，每周四晚八点准时出现在电波中，二十一年后依然妙语连珠毫无疲态。英国的很多传统就和它的房子一样，动不动就有上百年了。安全感就是知道公司餐厅每周五必定供应炸鱼和薯条，就是知道每周三中午首相布朗一定要和反对党领袖在议会对轰一番，就是知道社区里那家医院那家学校十年以后还没被拆掉还会是那家医院那家学校。

和国内的朋友接触，总是觉得国内急剧的发展就好像一驾风驰电掣的列车，它呼啸着毫不留恋地向前飞奔，好像急于摆脱什么。在伦敦一个细小的政策变化可以让公众和政府你来我往辩论上大半年，而在国内再重大的公众事件吸引眼球也超不过三五天。可是这样的速度难免让人有隐隐的担心，那就是，这车上的螺丝都拧紧了吗？前方的轨道扳正了吗？如果发现了问题，刹车还来得及吗？一位朋友说：在国内我们的很多政策、我们设定的很多生活目标，都是针对未来两三年的，而英国人总是在为未来五十年一百年做打算，这源自他们的安全感，他们对火车不会出轨的信心。

作为一个老牌帝国主义国家的首都，伦敦是不是在走向衰败一直是讨论的话题，但不能否认的是，它曾经辉煌过、见识过、经历过、也阵痛过。这就是为什么它不免时常要带着居高临下的口吻评价我们这些世界经济舞台上的初来乍到者。不久前我和报社里一位英国同事有过一场争论。他写了一篇批评中国交通政策的文章，指出政府对环保轿车没有明显的倾斜，讥讽中国消费者仍对大排量车趋之若鹜，建议我们还是回到自行车年代。我说，你可以批评政府的政策，但不能批评老百姓开车的愿望，你可以帮助我们发展更好的车，而不是剥夺我们拥有的权利。他想了想，过了一会儿回来对我说：你说的对。改过的稿子里，已经拿掉了自行车的段落。可是事后我回头想，这就好像一个上了年纪的人对一个年轻人说，你不要做这个或那个，因为我有过惨痛的教训，而没有亲历过又心高气傲的年轻人却很少会心存感激地接受教导一样。伦敦在减排方面的政策的确要严苛得多，政府不遗余力地鼓励自行车和公众交通，任何一个来伦敦出差的中国朋友在领略了这里的蓝天白云和清新空气之后恐怕都不会对此提出异议。

写到这里我发现，虽然伦敦永远改造不了我拒绝酒精的胃，却已经在不知不觉中重塑我的思维。对先前居住过的几个城市，我总是到离开之后开始惦念，想起它种种的好。终于这一次，我学会了在离开之前体味和欣赏伦敦之美。纵然我还是要常常抱怨，纵然我还是会离开，我会不时想起今晚回家路上我突然微笑的这一个瞬间。在这个瞬间伦敦打动了我。

尽管她有点傲慢，有点拘谨，刻板而不那么圆通，但是她优雅守礼，幽默而克制，乐于包容，崇尚真知灼见。伦敦，这就是为什么我会怀念你。

生日幸福

2008-12-25T12:09:00.002+08:00

今年的生日是离开岛国五年后第一次回来庆祝的生日。过去五年都在国外度过，03年在意大利的米兰，04年留在伦敦，05年在捷克的布拉格，06年和07年在美国的加州。

已经忘了在岛国度过的生日是怎么样了。

其实，准确说，今年的生日也在国外度过。通心粉给了我意外的惊喜，特地带我到民丹岛去，可惜老天爷不怎么合作，不过和通心粉在乌云密布的沙滩上手牵手，我已经很满足，还是有无法言喻的快乐。

说真的，OreO在哪里过都无所谓的，生日对我来说，也不是很重要的日子。只要有通心粉在身边，即使在让人窒息的岛国度过，我也会觉得很快乐的。简单的快乐，是金钱买不到的。

通心粉说，她从来没有想过，自己会觉得如此幸福。“这种感觉让人既开心又忐忑。忐忑，是因为不知道自己凭什么得到这样的幸福，害怕会失去。”

OreO从来也没想过会这么幸福，有时感觉很缥缈，却又是那么的实在。真的很庆幸10年前能认识通心粉，一直到现在。

OreO只能向通心粉承诺，只要我还在，她就不会失去这样的幸福。

通心粉又让OreO傻笑了。。。

2008-12-09T01:10:00.003+08:00

昨天公共假期虽然得做工，但因为通心粉的两句话，我还是高兴了一整天，还好办公室的人不多，不然看到了OreO时不时无端端在傻笑，还以为OreO发神经了。

通心粉昨天早上无缘无故问OreO：“how come i still miss u even tho i see u almost everyday。”我听了之后莫名地感动，好想好想马上飞去蔡厝港抱她。

然后我问她到底想念我什么。通心粉只对OreO说：“我不知道，就知道想念看到你，还有抱你。”

我也不知道要回说什么，只跟通心粉说了简单的我也一样想你，然后就打开手机里的照片，看通心粉和OreO在沙滩上的合照。

就这样，OreO觉得好幸福，好幸福。这样的感觉持续了几个月了，此时此刻还是这样觉得。

我想，通心粉也和OreO一样，这样觉得的吧。

10个月过去了⋯⋯

2008-11-12T01:11:00.000+08:00

好久好久没有更新blog了⋯⋯一眨眼，10个月就这样过去了。

感觉上这10个月就这样从弹指间悄悄飞逝，或许就像爱因斯坦所说的吧：“你坐在一个漂亮姑娘旁边，坐了两小时，觉得只过了一分钟；如果你紧挨着一个火炉，只坐了一分钟，却觉得像过了两个小时。这就是相对论。”

现在，我的时间越过越快，从来都没有这样快过，不过，我喜欢⋯⋯ :-)

忘了Singlish的声音

2008-01-29T12:49:00.000+08:00

回来岛国后，只休息了五天，就上班了。。。你说某机构残不残忍？到目前为止，只做了十天的工，就有两天从8:30am工作到11pm。。。:(

日复一日，时间过得超快，回来岛国已经快三个星期了，但是我还在属于适应阶段。单单语言方面，就很辛苦，在法庭听审，听了很辛苦才听懂被告、法官、律师、主控官在说什么。原来，我已经忘了Singlish的声音了。。。我想我还需要很长的时间才能重新适应岛国的Singlish。。。

一月九日回到岛国

2008-01-07T04:33:00.000+08:00

只剩一天了，这几天的天气却坏得不得了，前两天在旧金山碰到我在美国一年半以来最糟的天气，强风把雨伞变成窝囊，雨下个不停。昨天回到斯坦福之后哪里也去不了，所以只好呆在宿舍里，胡思乱想的时间也就多着。心情跟窗外的豪雨一样。。。

脑海里一直浮现几位老板最近对我说过的几句话。一是深江几个月前的那句“回来了啊？For good?”另一个是慧玲比较酸的“外国生活太好啊？为什么这么久还不回来”的几句话。又一个是君琴比较直接的“为什么今年没有回来实习？”还有Connie的“今天这样难得看到你，你到底要托到几时？”还有其他同事和朋友的“挂念”，就没有必要再这里重复了⋯⋯

我想到这些，也不知道要以怎样的心情反应。脑海里竟变得空白。

也无所谓，反正我真的要回来了。

郑重宣布：本人一月九日清晨抵达岛国；一月十四日上午正式上班。

（想到上班，就想作呕。）=p

Home for good...

2008-01-03T03:51:00.000+08:00

旧金山湾区的电台一直重复播放这首 Daughtry 的歌，和自己的心情写照竟然差不到哪里去。和Daughtry 一样，我们都不曾后悔我们为自己选择的这一条路，只不过加利福尼亚终究不是属于我们的（当然还有其他客观因素），所以我们最后还是踏上回家的旅途。

我终于要回家了。For good...

"Home" by Daughtry

I'm staring out into the night,
Trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
And feeling good don't ever cost a thing.
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.

Well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
Well I'm going home.

The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you.
I've not always been the best man or friend for you.
But your love, it makes true.
And I don't know why.
You always seem to give me another try.

So I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
I'm going home.

Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all,
And then some you don't want.
Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all, yeah.

Oh, well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.
I said these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.

回家的跫音

2008-01-02T03:06:00.000+08:00

2008年了，我仿佛已经听到自己回家的跫音。论文写完了，硕士课程结束了，是时候和斯坦福说再见了，是时候和加州的阳光告别了。

说实在的，我并不期待岛国的阳光。可是，离开了四年半，是终究要回去的。我真的要回家了。这次，逃不了了，避不过了。我真的要回去离开四年半的家，回到离开四年半朋友的身边，回到似曾相识的一草一木。

我对于未来是害怕的。害怕自己不能适应，害怕自己无法融入，害怕体验自己失去空间和自由的束缚。。。

回家的脚步越来越近，我的心也越来越忐忑。。。。。。

～～～
＊还没离开，我就开始想念在美国公路驰骋的快感。自己过去十多天一个人开了2230 miles （3600km）的车，累是当然的，但竟然还很享受。不知道什么时候还能以85 miles per hour （140 km per hour）的速度来回游走。

终于写完了！

2007-12-07T00:45:00.000+08:00

花了两个多月的时间，终于写完了。。。我的硕士论文写完了！第一次写这么长的东西，总共130页，一共3万454个字。哈哈，教授还说：“Excellent Thesis. Congrats!”呵呵。

写论文实在是个折磨人的差事，没有经历过的人是永远不会明白的。真的不知道以后怎么写博士论文。

Chasing Cars

2007-12-03T14:56:00.000+08:00

A song that I really like that perpetually repeats on the SF Bay radio...

Chasing Cars
by Snow Patrol

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

自讨苦吃

2007-11-28T16:23:00.000+08:00

最近才发现，我是个不能闲下来的人，论文的第一篇草稿刚刚写完，教授还没批，我就联系了十多个人，忙着安排时间表，进行访问，筹划两大篇专题。。。

有时候，真的是自讨苦吃。

How to Save a Life

2007-11-17T13:18:00.000+08:00

Another song that repeats on the radio, as often as I repeat to read the words I wrote in my not-yet-completed thesis.

"How to Save a Life" by Fray

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life

Hey There Delilah

2007-11-10T08:45:00.000+08:00

Another simple yet catchy song that repeats on the radio in the Bay Area...

"Hey There Delilah" by Plain White T's

Hey there Delilah
What's it like in New York City?
I'm a thousand miles away
But girl, tonight you look so pretty
Yes you do
Times Square can't shine as bright as you
I swear it's true

Hey there Delilah
Don't you worry about the distance
I'm right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen
Close your eyes
Listen to my voice, it's my disguise
I'm by your side

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me

Hey there Delilah
I know times are getting hard
But just believe me, girl
Someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar
We'll have it good
We'll have the life we knew we would
My word is good

Hey there Delilah
I've got so much left to say
If every simple song I wrote to you
Would take your breath away
I'd write it all
Even more in love with me you'd fall
We'd have it all

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me

A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
and we'll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way
Delilah I can promise you
That by the time we get through
The world will never ever be the same
And you're to blame

Hey there Delilah
You be good and don't you miss me
Two more years and you'll be done with school
And I'll be making history like I do
You'll know it's all because of you
We can do whatever we want to
Hey there Delilah here's to you
This ones for you

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me.

Collide

2007-11-07T05:33:00.000+08:00

This song keeps repeating on STAR 101.3 while driving on the 101. Hmm... actually so do many other songs.

"Collide" by Howie Day

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah

I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

Don't stop here
I lost my place
I'm close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide

Streets of London

2007-11-05T05:21:00.000+08:00

以前说过很多次，不过我还是要说：我好想念伦敦，伦敦，伦敦。。。。。。我要回伦敦，可是没有时间啊！！！！！！

My First Earthquake Was Like A Phantasmagoria

2007-11-01T10:01:00.000+08:00

About 20 hours ago, I experienced the first earthquake in my life.

The quake struck on October 30th 2007 at 8.04 PM, Pacific Time (Singapore Time: October 31st 2007, 11.04 AM).

I just left my house and was on my way to the Meyer Library, when things around me seemed to start shaking.

I had a cold that morning and so, I thought I was hallucinating. I thought I was dizzy.

So, I continued to walk to the library, dismissing the tremors as my personal phantasmagoria.

And when I arrived at the library, people’s reactions confirmed that it was an earthquake.

Things around me were really shaking.

This 30-second earthquake measured 5.6 on the Richter Scale. In other words, it was a moderate earthquake, with slight damage to buildings possible.

This is the largest earthquake since the 1989 Loma Prieta earthquake which killed 62 people throughout Northern California, injured 3,800 people and left more than 12,000 people homeless.

We later found out that the epicenter of this quake was on the Calaveras Fault in the Diablo Range foothills nine miles northeast of San Jose, i.e., miles away from Stanford.

Even so, the quake still managed to rock the University and sent shock waves across campus.

More than three dozens aftershocks followed the quake, the largest registering magnitude 3.7, and only happened just a few minutes ago.

The University was quick to respond, reassuring students that the situation was under control. No reports of damage on the Stanford campus were documented. Neither were there reports of death and serious injuries throughout the bay area from San Francisco to San Jose.

This quake, to some people like my Cantonese professor, is a harbinger that might herald the arrival of a much larger earthquake, possibly quakes similar to that of those which struck in 1906 and 1989.

To others, yesterday’s quake is a reminder of so many faults lurking beneath a large population. To name a few famous faults, there are the San Andreas Fault and Hayward Fault - I’m sure you have seen these names in your Geography textbook.

The Hayward Fault is currently perceived to be the most dangerous in the San Francisco Bay Area. Scientists give the Hayward Fault a 27 percent chance of a magnitude - 6.7 or greater quake - higher odds than its storied neighbor and California’s best known fault, the San Andreas Fault.

And so, a big earthquake in the next year or so, or even the next minute, is not impossible.

And we are all prepared for it.

All new incoming students at Stanford are trained on what to do should an earthquake occur.

Oh well, this was a new experience, at least for me.

It still seemed a bit surreal…

~~~~~

(This was a post for OMY. Please go to http://blog.omy.sg/campusworld/ for the original post with pictures and video.)

Wake Me Up When September Ends...

2007-10-18T15:05:00.000+08:00

都已经是十月中旬了，我还在睡和醒之间游走。。。我须要在应该清醒的时候清醒，沉睡的时候沉睡。。。

"Wake Me Up When September Ends" by Green Day, live @ the UK

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends

Like my fathers come to pass
Seven years has gone so fast
Wake me up when September ends

Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are

As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends

Ring out the bells again
Like we did when spring began
Wake me up when September ends

Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are

As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends

Like my father's come to pass
Twenty years has gone so fast
Wake me up when September ends
Wake me up when September ends
Wake me up when September ends

全世界失眠

2007-10-18T06:35:00.000+08:00

怎么我最近老是睡不着？？？

T-H-E-S-I-S in progress

2007-10-13T14:04:00.001+08:00

I shan't say more. I'll just let the pictures speak for themselves.

My work-desk in my room (actually I'm surprised it's not messy).

A small selection of the books I need for my thesis (I haven't gotten the rest!).

Working on my beloved Macbook Pro.

My Desktop - more things to read!!!

圆满

2007-10-08T01:41:00.000+08:00

刚过去的9月，身边的个别朋友分手的分手，离婚的离婚，注册的注册，结婚的结婚，而且几乎都是在同个时期，都是接近在我回去新加坡的时候。

说实在的，我对于朋友们分手、离婚、注册、或是结婚，都抱着同一个心情和态度：高兴。。。不论他们和她们是刚分手、刚离婚、刚注册、或是刚结婚，我都是替他们和她们感到无比的高兴的。感觉高兴的原因是复杂的，也因为个别情况显得不同，但总的来说，我还是高兴的。（我不是在幸灾乐祸哦！）

离婚的变得很清醒；分手的似乎变得潇洒；注册的变得比以前快乐；结婚的变得沉着⋯⋯单身的我看着和听着他们和她们的经历，似乎也成长了一点。

离婚的朋友说：“离过婚后，人生好像变得圆满了。”

其实，看着喜欢的人的生活快乐，自己也就快乐，即使是单身，即使和喜欢的人不是一对，不也是圆满的吗？

可是，偏偏很多人不同意，还骂我笨。我真的笨吗？

睡眠失常

2007-10-05T03:37:00.000+08:00

写论文的生活开始逐渐规律化，我的睡眠却未正常化。有时，晚上11点就睡到不省人事，然后睡到半夜3点钟又自动醒来；有时，下午很累就睡了两个小时的午觉，于是，晚上怎么也睡不着。我肯定我的睡眠失常不是jetlag引起的，怎么说飞抵美国已经两个星期了，身体不可能jetlag两个星期，也从来没有jetlag这么久。

所以，我的睡眠到底为什么不正常，我也不知道。最近还开始做梦了，我不是经常睡觉就会做梦的人，而且已经很久没有做梦了。还好最近的梦不是噩梦。。。

Paris, je'taime

2007-10-01T01:13:00.000+08:00

今年5月，我们在纽约的一个法国小剧院，看了这部名为"Paris, je'taime"的爱情片子，很有意思，电影的一首歌曲也朗朗上口，到现在还经常在我的Macbook Pro上面以repeat mode播放。

本来对巴黎的印象不是很好，看了这电影，忽然好想回去巴黎一趟。。。

回到美国。。。

2007-09-30T10:05:00.000+08:00

离开上海，回到岛国，只逗留短短的六天，却见了不少朋友，ok，至少比以前多很多，但是没有见的依然还有很多⋯⋯抱歉啦，我明年1月9日永远地回新加坡，不怕见不到面。=)

想到即将要永远回到已经离开4年多的新加坡，就心有余悸，那天回报馆碰到深江，他第一句话就问我：“回来啦？for good?”我就想也不想地立刻回复：“还没有，还没有⋯⋯”他以笑脸回应，再问了有的没的⋯⋯之后，也和新慧姐聊起回国后适应的问题，原来，大家都需要学习。

现在又回到美国，我还在调整一个人住大 studio 的心情，还在调整每天的时间表。虽然只需要写论文，看起来很简单，其实不然⋯⋯呵呵，我快要被我桌上叠地高高的资料和书本逼疯了，而我只回来斯坦福一个星期罢了。于是，我也选上了高尔夫球课，郁闷时就把气全出在球上好了⋯⋯

=p

还有7天

2007-09-05T02:35:00.000+08:00

上海的天气开始慢慢转凉，九月初的这几天都在下着细细绵绵的小雨，城市也开始在渐渐变化。昨天路过每天会经过的中信泰富广场，发现那里的星巴克突然消失得无影无踪。才一个周末的时间，这家俯拾即是的咖啡馆就不见了。

也听说，复旦大学附近的五角场在这两年来，也是发展得出奇的快，要建成像徐家汇一样。。。

说实在的，上海市的变化有时叫我招架不住，也叫许多上海人受不了，一有时间就纷纷跑到杭州或苏州去享受远离尘嚣的写意。我们也是，上周末，我们就在杭州享受两天的西湖静谧。

另，还有七天就要离开上海了，还有好多地方还没有去，还有很多个饭局要赴，还有很多朋友要见面。回到新加坡后的6天，更是不得了，天啊，我怎么老是过着这样忙的生活？！

回首 Stanford 的阳光 (Part 3 of 5) - Winter Quarter 2006-2007

2007-08-30T15:54:00.000+08:00

(1) Monterey & around (5th to 7th Jan 2007)

Jellyfish @ Monterey Aquarium.

More jellyfish.

By the bay (We actually went whale-watching but the sea was too choppy we didn't take any pictures).

To quell sea-sickness.

Another one.

Looked good, but tasted only OK.

Carmel-by-the-sea.

Point Lobos State Reserve Park.

(2) Lake Tahoe Ski Trip (13th to 15th Jan 2007)

View of Lake Tahoe from the ski-lift.

Snow-capped.

Tranquility.

On the ski-lift.

EX on the ski-lift, looking professional.

Snow fight starting...

Here it goes...

All is well again... (actually, there was more going on nearby...)

The guys by the lake.

Everybody by the lake.

(3) Chinese New Year Celebration @ 207 Running Farm Lane

I love Pliny the Elder from Russian River Brewing Co! :p

想念 California。。。

2007-08-27T02:41:00.000+08:00

摄于斯坦福 Main Quad @ 2007年6月17日的毕业典礼

～～～～～～～～～

在上海的日子，还有17天就要结束了。脑海里一直浮现出袁惟仁的“恋曲L.A.”的旋律，歌词不断提醒我 California 的阳光有多妩媚，生活有多自在，心情有多辽阔。后来，王菲也唱了同样旋律但歌词不一样的《旋木》，但我还是喜欢袁惟仁的歌词多一点。

我以为我只会思念伦敦的。。。但我错了，原来，我也会想念 California 的。。。还好，我还有4个月，可是朋友大多数都不在了。。。

～～～～～～～～～～

恋曲L.A.

作曲：袁惟仁；作词：袁惟仁

还记得去年夏天在LA的机场
你捧着一束鲜花清纯的模样
在入境大厅里不停的望
怕我的出现消失在你身旁
你说这座城市有你编织的梦想
在时速限制只有九十的路上
我莫名期待地望着窗
让你驾着我们未知的去向
Sunset Boulevard Santa Monica
爱情的地图原来是怎么样
Above the City around the highway
你就是我的天堂
Santa Barbara Pasadena
爱情的幻灭原来才是成长
Above the clouds round the shadow
迷失也是方向

中国媒体界的“红包文化”

2007-08-24T23:23:00.000+08:00

低调中的不低调

2007-08-15T09:57:00.000+08:00

酷暑中的清凉

2007-08-13T03:05:00.000+08:00

媒体的道德底线

2007-08-04T11:14:00.000+08:00

在恰当的时候鼓掌

2007-08-03T04:04:00.000+08:00

和谐社会还有很长的路要走

2007-07-29T11:36:00.000+08:00

与上海公安的第一次亲密接触

2007-07-27T11:31:00.000+08:00

懒得写。。。以下就贴了我在《我报》的专栏：

Blog Under Construction

2007-07-24T13:44:00.000+08:00

I finally decided to change my blog layout. It will be fully functional in the next few days. =)

上海 vs. 伦敦

2007-07-19T11:29:00.000+08:00

上海的黄梅天闷到不行，我却每天坚持走半个小时的路上班，同事说我是超人，第一次听到有人在黄梅天竟然走这么长的路的。我只微笑不语，想起在伦敦穿街走巷的岁月。突然间，好怀念在伦敦彳亍的氛围，和上海“这个国际大都会”简直是相差十万八千里。

上海，来了快3个星期了，却还没爱上她。

心理老是想着伦敦。

希望今年秋天能回伦敦一趟。真的好想念。当然，还有秘鲁。

仍旧匆匆的初夏

2007-07-16T04:40:00.000+08:00

已经快一个月没有 update 了。一个月以来，过着匆匆飞来飞去，走来走去，驾来驾去的生活。这里就先告知一下过去一个月的匆匆近况。

6月12日，学期结束后，便是到 Yosemite 国家公园玩了三天。之后又回到斯坦福，“参加”了毕业典礼。然后，我们又从学校开车到了 Yellowstone 国家公园，从 California 到 Wyoming 一开就是整整15多个小时。待了五天，然后又开15小时的车回到斯坦福，又待了一天，就匆匆飞回新加坡。飞回岛国之前，我们还去了 Daly City，吃了很久没吃的 Koi Palace 点心。=)

然后，又和以往一样，在岛国非常短期地逗留了仅仅四天，仍旧一个朋友也没有见（抱歉！）。之后，又搭飞机到曼谷，然后转机到上海来（因为机票比较便宜，要不然早就搭新航的直航班机了）。

这样辗转，已经是7月1日了。

结果，抵达上海后，已是累得不成人形，又要找旅店，然后找房子，又然后找工作地点，之后又得在一天内熟悉上海。我对自己的超强适应能力，感到无比自豪。=p

现在，上海的生活总算比较尘埃落定。也终于找到了办法登录 blogspot。中国竟然把该网站（和BBC新闻网站）给禁了，但却没有禁 blogger，真奇怪。所以，理论上，我是能 blog的，只是看不到我 blog 的内容，所以过去两个星期干脆不 blog。好了，既然现在已经找到办法钻过这讨人厌的防火墙，以后能继续发帖子了。

暂时就这样，明天再写。

回首 Stanford 的阳光 (Part 2 of 5) - Winter Break @ Mexico 2006-2007

2007-06-16T16:46:00.000+08:00

(1) San Miguel (19th Dec 2006)

Cathedral @ day.

Same cathedral @ night.

Street.

La Casa.

One of TA's many self-taken photos.

(2) Guanajuato (20th Dec 2006)

Aerial view of Guanajuato.

Companion.

Truco 7's Street.

Hilly Guanajuato.

University.

(3) Guadalajara & around (21st Dec 2006)

YJ flying by TA...

YJ grounded by me... I was tired after that!

TA taking revenge... I'm helping...

OK, a more proper shot...

Sumptous meal at friendly Chinese restaurant (these were the leftovers! you can imagine how much there was to begin with).

Agaves - main source of Tequila.

A tequila distillation plant at Tequila's hometown - Tequila.

(4) Acapulco (26th Dec 2006)

Fortress.

Tree.

Crowded and dirty beach.

(5) Mexico City (27th to 31st Dec 2006)

Interesting exhibit at the anthropology museum.

Amazed by I-forgot-what at Xochimilco.

Templo Mayor.

(6) Teotihuacan (29th Dec 2006)

On the way up the world's third largest pyramid...

We made it!!! TA still climbing??

Gorgeous view of Teotihuacan

Hmm... TA made it, but I still don't know what YJ was doing to T.

Seeing what YJ was doing, I fled down the pyramid!

Transition

2007-06-08T12:03:00.000+08:00

Everytime I see my advisor, I feel weird. Everytime I hear her speak in her masculine voice, I'm perplexed. H still cannot believe she transitioned last summer, and still cannot imagine how a "he" she used to know would look like in dresses, makeup and jewellery and other accessories. Therefore, H kept asking me to take a picture with her. But, I still do not dare... :p

Everytime I meet her to discuss my thesis, I feel the urge to just ask her why. Why at this age? Why now? Why transition? What happened to her wife?

Maybe I'll get to find out when I know her better. Or maybe never.

记者的生活遐想

2007-06-06T23:45:00.000+08:00

昨天在 Palo Alto 的 Nola's 吃晚餐的时候，他向我们娓娓说了他过去三十年的记者生涯，我们听了都惊叹不已。苏联分裂的时候，他在场；韩国办历史性的奥运会的时候，他也在场。在外飘荡几十年，报道历史重要事件，我对他的经历羡慕不已。我又想起在加沙地带（Gaza Strip）失踪好久的 BBC 通讯员 Alan Johnston，不禁觉得记者，这一行，虽然是危险的，但肯定是伟大的。但是，我又想起我的大部分记者生涯应该会在新加坡度过，想到了这点之后，什么刺激感都烟消云散。那天，我们还在讨论新加坡的报纸有多么沉闷，多多少少反映了大多数国人对国际时事漠不关心的可悲事实。大多数新加坡人的视线始终还是狭隘的。岛国的 “The Straits Times” 的素质有多差，这是大家都看得到的，根本就是无可否认的事实。

所以，以后有什么关键的国际事件，我想我只有旁观的份。什么时候我也能在 BBC 报道新闻呢？

什么是家？

2007-06-06T00:56:00.000+08:00

前天跑步的时候，我想起了“家”。

跑完步后，想起了在前往大峡谷途中和 P 讨论关于“家”的含义的对话。

她说，岛国作为家的概念已经随着这几年在国外的留学生活而变得越来越模糊。

我理所当然对她的这一席话产生共鸣。

我们在别的地方落地生根的可能性逐日提高。因为我们的见识广了，因为岛国没有办法满足我们渴望自由的要求，因为我们在其他地方或许能比在岛国过得更加快乐。

当然，我们都不否认岛国培养我们今时今日成就的“功劳”，我们也不否认岛国是家人还有大多数朋友的所在地。

如何定义“家”这个问题于是又让我们哑口无言。车里的寂静和车外沙漠的浩瀚赫然间显得无比协调。

家人在的地方就是家吗？朋友在的地方就是家吗？培育我长大成人的国家就是家吗？一个人事业的中心的地方就是家吗？

我不禁想起最近能端主持的一个关于国民教育的对话会。我又想起我在国外念书的时候，会经常用“回家”的字眼来表达我要回宿舍的意思。

可是，到底，什么是家？“家”，作为一个概念，重要吗？

我真的不知道了。

回首 Stanford 的阳光 (Part 1 of 5) - Fall 2006

2007-06-04T15:06:00.000+08:00

To make up for the lack of updates for the past year, here's a *tiny* selection of photos reviewing my past 9 months in the U.S. More will be uploaded in the next few days/weeks.

(1) Sonoma Valley - California on 23rd Sept 2006

Wineeeeeeee!!!

Vineyards.

(2) Hawaii during Thanksgiving (Nov 2006)

Hawaiian Shirt =p

Pearl Harbor.

View of Honolulu from Diamond Head.

At Diamond Head after a 30-minutes hike.

At the Polynesian Cultural Center.

The guys half way up Diamond Head.

Planting our own pineapples at Dole.

Romy's Shrimps!!! Yummy.

We went dolphin watching and snorkelling.

The waves are huge!

Surfing at Waikiki (Some of us had nipple abrasion! Ouch!).

Cock?

他们俩之间的笑声

2007-06-04T01:22:00.000+08:00

我最近一直在看他们俩的照片，想起他们之间和以前的笑声，现在原来已不复存在。我始终不明白为什么，为什么，为什么。。。或许像他们异口同声说得吧：还有几个星期的时间，大家就曲终人散，事情或许告一段落，所以现在什么都无所谓？

可是，我还是觊觎听到他们彼此之间的笑声。他们也是如此希望，可是现实往往是事与愿违的。为什么呢？

六月了。。。

2007-06-03T02:02:00.000+08:00

时间过得飞速，不知不觉已经六月了，一切好像幻觉。

有时候，我睡觉醒来，会弄不清楚自己是不是还在纽约，还是在拉斯维加斯，还是已经回到加利福尼亚州了。大峡谷的壮观，我想我这辈子也不会忘记，就好像秘鲁的 Colca Canyon 一样，两年前看到的绚丽，两年后还历历在目。而大峡谷的一草一木，还仿佛在我的视线不远处。

顿然间，我想起几米的一句话：“我守护如泡沫般脆弱的梦境，快乐才刚开始，悲伤却早已潜伏而来。”

六月了，又是到了“天下无不散之筵席”的时候。

~~~~~

＊我庆幸自己还有半年的学生生涯。。。 :p

思绪 vs. 毛毛虫

2007-05-02T16:27:00.000+08:00

我想我的思绪已经开始变得更加凌乱，凌乱到大白天走在 Escondido Road 上，也会看不见眼前的毛毛虫，竟然好几次撞上了它们，还走了一段路，才发现毛毛虫在我衣服上爬来爬去，然后才不经意地把这些小玩意儿撇开。

这里的春天根本就是夏天。在校园里搔首弄姿的毛毛虫已经渐渐离去，我的思绪却仍然盘旋在这里的湛蓝苍穹。

美国 vs. 欧洲

2007-04-22T03:44:00.000+08:00

上个周末到洛杉矶去，我们在永远都是阻塞的高速公路上开车时，C 忽然向右边指去，说是 "Hollywood" 的典型牌匾，我看了竟然一点儿感觉也没有。

自己无可否认的已经对美国的一景一物变得无动于衷。春假去了西雅图是失望，去了加拿大的温哥华更是绝望。就连比较赞赏的美国小镇竟然也都是模仿欧洲的城市而建的，比如说我们去的在 Washington State 的 Leavenworth 是模仿德国的 Bavaria，California State 的 Solvang 则是模仿丹麦的哥本哈根，是模仿得似模似样，可是还是相差十万八千里。

当然，虽然美国文化历史非常浅，但美国也不是荒地一大片。唯一值得留恋的或许只有这里的国家公园了。

我实在庆幸自己的本科是在欧洲念的。

周而复始

2007-04-09T15:26:00.000+08:00

美国的大学生活周而复始，离开学校整整九天一路向北开车到西雅图和加拿大的温哥华，一晃而过，稍纵即逝，现在又恢复学术生活。大学的教育制度让我们似乎没有太多的喘息空间和时间，我想念在英国的学生生涯，这个时候，我应该还在旅行，那时的假期长达一个月，享之不尽。所以，整个周末，我一事无成，把所有东西暂时抛开，在家里无所事事，逍遥了许久。。。

不行，我明天必须振作了。讲义已经开始叠起。还有那惹人厌的论文，八字连一撇都没有，再这样下去，恐怕在上海的时候也得读书做功课。

填补缺口

2007-03-14T12:32:00.000+08:00

喜欢就喜欢，不喜欢就不喜欢。如果每样事情这么黑白分明的话，那就太好了。有时候，因为想起这样的事，是很想快快回国，速速解决算了。大家都说长痛不如短痛，但是已经长痛了这么久，应该差不多是时候了。。。

再多几个月就要永远离开移居外国的生活，希望回国后能填补心里过去近十年的缺口。

我们真的长大了

2007-03-04T05:38:00.000+08:00

两个在伦敦认识的韩国朋友先后相隔一天通过电邮捎来了喜讯，一个结婚不到一年就在前几天刚生了儿子，另外一个在伦敦时还没有女朋友，回韩国不到半年的时间就要在下个星期结婚了。风水轮流转，我记得他这么对我转述算命师傅对他说的话，结果真的应验了。真的替他们感到高兴。我们真的长大了。。。但是，长大究竟是好还是坏，我理所当然无可厚非又开始质疑起来。

让时间慢慢抚平一切

2007-02-28T16:27:00.000+08:00

原来，我的心情起伏也能够这么变化无常，这是我自己也始料不及的。累了，厌了，倦了，真的，从来都没有这样过，周围的人大概都以为我疯了。真的非常抱歉。

刚刚碰巧读到 SY 的 blog，正好贴切形容过去几天的感受。她这样写道：“白天越是充满笑，夜晚便越是盛满泪。就像是聚会过后狼藉，独自面对⋯⋯一分钟前还在的快乐，恍若隔世。朦胧夜灯，拉长记忆中朋友走远的背影，照亮内心角落里啜泣的悲伤，勾勒出再清晰不过的轮廓：一个怕和自己独处的自己。”

真的，那天，我真的几乎崩溃。十分钟前还高兴的，十分钟后却马上变成另一个人。我无法做些什么，只好让时间慢慢抚平一切。。。

新年快乐

2007-02-17T03:38:00.000+08:00

昨天我们为了新年晚餐做 Tiramisu 蛋糕的时候，我委实想起我们昔日在伦敦庆祝新年的日子，还有有时在 Melissa 的家吃饭的时光。我想起 Raymond 为我们表演功夫的情景，还有我们经常光顾在 Leicester Square 的 Mayflower 餐馆。实际上，我却忘了新年在新加坡是怎么庆祝的，忘了拜年的情景，忘了收红包的感受，忘了亲朋戚友玩牌赌博的情景。。。

今年是最后一年在国外庆祝新年了。在忘与想之间徘徊，似乎少了过年的气氛，可是气氛是人营造出来的，不是吗？
还好做华人的好处是年年能过两个年，错过了一个，还能期待下一个的来临。不是自欺欺人，也不是自圆其说，你也不能否定这点。

新年快乐！

回伦敦

2007-02-15T17:16:00.000+08:00

这几天一直在网上找往返伦敦的机票，都贵得要命，加上假期不长，根本不划算。看来是回不去了。回伦敦说得那么理直气壮，真的，早已经把伦敦当成是另一个家了。只能期望夏天能抽出时间回去……

考车侧记

2007-02-12T03:17:00.000+08:00

星期五考车的时候，考官竟然骂我驾得太慢。然后，她问我知不知道邻里住宅的车速是多少。我回答她说：“15 miles per hour。”（Y 陪我练习 test route 的时候也认为车速是 15 的。）

她面无表情（是的，我惊讶得把我的头转向她的脸庞有一秒半钟的时间那么久）地回应道：“It's 25 miles per hour!!!”我也懒得和她争辩，反正后来她给我及格就好了。

考完后，她在我的考卷上写了大大的“Don't drive too slow，”似乎又再次嘲笑我的小心翼翼。然后发现一半累积的 demerit points 是因为驾得太慢造成的，我无言以对。

哦对了，这里的司机超爱开超快车。比如说 El Camino Real 的车速是 35 mph，但大家喜欢而且常常开上 50 mph。难怪这里这么多人每年死于车祸。。不知道是活该还是自找的。

又是黄城的季节

2007-02-08T01:37:00.000+08:00

前几天陆续收到学弟学妹传来有关《黄城》的售票详情，刚才又凑巧看到 N 在《我报》写了一篇名为《舍不掉的黄城》的文章，又理所当然想起《黄城》。

“有些东西是永远都无法舍弃的，比如说和《黄城夜韵》有关的东西。”N 写得理直气壮，我读了也感到理直气壮。

“那时，我们为了排练，总会在学校待到晚上九点以后才回家。老师赶我们走，我们还不情不愿地放下手头的工作，攀栏离开学校……现在，大家各奔东西，念书的念书、工作的工作，但一起为《黄城》奋斗的经历，不会轻易忘怀。”

无可否认的是，黄城的日子已经离我们好远好远。但感觉上，黄城似乎又不曾离去，已经错过了四年的黄城今年会再次错过。至少我知道明年不会和黄城分割两地。

脱离废人（非人）的生活

2007-02-06T16:11:00.000+08:00

如果说上个学期是地狱，那么，这个学期应该是天堂。我跟 H 形容这个学期修的课，她说我终于懂得享受斯坦福了。她一直对我说这里很轻松，可是我上个学期根本就是死去活来，她说忙有忙的价值，不忙也有不忙的弊与益。现在开始明白了，过去两个星期能在读书期间几乎一口气看完四个系列的《24》（总共72个小时）或许就是最好的证明。等我这个来临的星期五考到了驾驶执照（希望不会不及格），或许就可以从此脱离废人（非人）的生活，加利福尼亚州有很多地方等待我发掘。。。

思伦敦

2007-02-05T16:24:00.000+08:00

我望出窗外看见夜的斯坦福，满月寂寞地挂在天边的一隅。我想起去年的这个时候，依稀记得，硕士申请表格刚刚呈交上去，就已经开始期待在这里的生活；现在却吊诡似地想念伦敦，而且是时时刻刻的想念，朝思暮想的想念。。。吃鸭饭时会想念起 Bayswater 的 Four Seasons（这里的鸭饭根本不是人吃的）；吃韩国餐时会想念起 Bi Won 和 Kim Chee （Korean House 的水准不错，但根本比不上伦敦的）；去跑步时会想念起 Hampstead Heath （学校的风景大同小异，根本没有 Hampstead 的典雅）；搭 Marguerite 巴士时会想念起伦敦的红色双层巴士（这里不是美国人就是黄皮肤的人，我想念伦敦巴士上几十种语言碰击出的火花）；去买菜的时候会想念起伦敦的 Marks and Spencer 和 Waitrose （这里 Safeway 和 Walmart 的水准实在差）。。。还有，我也想念每走十步就是一间 pub 的方便，这里连在街上喝酒也不行。当然，我最想念伦敦市的交通方便，这里没有车就好像是废人一个。。。

那天，我问她是喜欢这里还是伦敦。她也不假思索地回答说：“伦敦。”

我好想好想好想回去伦敦。

好痛好痛。。。

2007-02-05T07:54:00.000+08:00

在车上聊天的时候，隐约感到她的郁郁不乐。昨天吃雪糕的时候不小心提起他，才知道他们俩的事。我当然是惊讶，然后脑海里不由自主又想起“世事无常”这四个字。我理所当然没有吐出这四个字，否则她真的就要在我面前崩溃了。看得出她装坚强背后的痛苦，看得出她装冷静背后的绝望。我也不知道该说些么，更不知道能为她做点什么。心里只能为她感到惋惜。她也说可惜，可是“真的没有办法了，”我看到她的眼角湿湿的。。。

之后，“真的没有办法了。”这七个字久久在我脑里盘旋不去。。。

我顿然间也觉得好。痛。。好。。。痛。。。。

事与愿违

2007-01-19T15:41:00.000+08:00

来了三个多月，却对这里的一切感到陌生。或许就好像 D 和 H 今天对我说的：“我们或许要到了上海，才有一起坐下来吃饭的时间。”

很可笑，也很可悲，但这是事实，没有人想面对这样的逼不得已与无可奈何。

三个月，是不短的一段时间，可是我们真的连一起吃饭谈天的机会都没有。我只能无奈对她们说，对不起。

或许，我们真的要等到今年夏天的中国或韩国了。

原来，有时候，一朵白云的阴影也会让人窒息。。。

一切事与愿违。。。

回忆和时间

2007-01-17T15:21:00.000+08:00

对不起，这里已经被我忽略而变得荒芜了，杂草已经丛生。时间过得太快，让我难以置信。

我想起蔡智恒写过的一段话：

“回忆是件沉重的事，跟思念一样，也是有重量的。回忆是时间的函数，但时间的方向永远朝后，回忆的方向却一定往前。两者都只有一个方向，但方向却相反。”

时间过得越快，回忆也跟着走得更快。

我需要停下来，来找回回忆，即使是几秒钟也好。

2007

2007-01-04T14:34:00.000+08:00

新年伊始，一切又即将周而复始。必需和必须调整的是态度，是心情，是观点。

2007 年会是精彩的一年，至少我是这么认为的。时间要怎么过，其实只能由自己定夺。大家一起加油吧！

Dead Week

2006-12-09T15:09:00.000+08:00

这个星期大学称为 Dead Week ，好贴切。

Dead Week 过了，我们都还活着，算是不错，还是吊诡？

活过 Dead Week 后，下个星期才是真正的挑战，我不知道我是不是能熬过。。。

~~~~~~~~~~

不过，至少还能期待墨西哥的到来。。。

Cock & Nipples @ Oahu

2006-11-27T03:05:00.000+08:00

时空开始错乱，眼前明明是枯树落叶我却看成是夏威夷的茂密绿荫。虽然夏威夷让我失望，我现在却想念起夏威夷 Oahu 北岸的惊涛骇浪，还有在上面驰骋的冲浪好手，还有我们懵懂傻乎乎在 Waikiki 学习冲浪，结果是我们的伤痕累累，还有因此而来的荒谬，当然还有过去五天的无理取闹，大家叫彼此“cock” 多过自己的名字，就连“nipples” 也可以成为五天乐此不疲滔滔不绝的话题。

这样无厘头的日子好象很难在近日重现。

夏威夷

2006-11-25T14:07:00.000+08:00

离开学校开往机场的途中，心赫然飘了起来。原来只要离开那块懊人的田地，也能找回昔日的光景，找回曾经的快乐。

只可惜，夏威夷并没有想象中的漂亮，没有想象中的写意。就连曾经顺其自然铁定以为夏威夷草裙就是用草做的事实，也被推翻。一切仿佛一场梦，人生根本是幻觉。

睡觉。。。

2006-11-14T18:18:00.000+08:00

我的眼睛现在比铅还重。我已经好久好久没有正常的睡眠了。

我要睡觉，我需要睡觉，我更须要睡觉。。。:(

内在特质

2006-11-05T16:09:00.000+08:00

秋天了，明媚的阳光终究阻挡不了树叶的飘零。YJ 那天问：“为什么天气不冷，树叶还会枯萎？”我一时答不出，后来想了想，这或许是因为树的内在特质吧。就好像我窗外的常青树，现在还是树叶茂密的。不是每棵树都会卸下夏装的。而树的特质是不能或很难改变的。

说到特质，这所学校的特质或许就在于学术和研究的水准之高，我们都快招架不住了，而学校的这个内在特质，我们当然也没有办法改变。所以，我们只好试图赶上、追上，希望自己不要落后，幸运的话，当然渴望能赶在别人前头，这是我们大家都觊觎的。

只是，有时事与愿违，崩溃似乎离我很近。只能怪自己在已经忙到晕头转向的日常课业外，又找了这么多额外的、不必要的工作（钱和荣耀当然是主要的推动力）。加油吧，大家。

简单的快乐

2006-10-25T13:08:00.000+08:00

很多时侯，快乐不需要拥有金钱或豪华的奢侈品也能感受得到。

简单的东西就能让我快乐一整天。一本好书、一小杯 Cappucino、甚至寥寥几句再简单不过的字眼，也会让我高兴一整天。

上个星期的某一天，J 在 MSN 上跟我说，我们班的 X 要结婚了，乍听之下，当然是惊，然后才渐渐感受到喜，而这喜却陪了我一整天。隔天，W 也特地发了电邮给我告知同样的消息，又让我乐了好久好久。

认识七年的高中朋友要结婚了，自然是喜事。七年后的今天，大家还那么关心彼此，我觉得更值得开心。

唯一的遗憾是，我只能告诉 J 和 W，我无法出席 X 的典礼。

错过

2006-10-19T04:25:00.000+08:00

“错过太阳时，你只顾哭泣，那么你也会错过星星。”这是诗人泰戈尔说的，我忘了我是什么时候把这句话写在我的笔记本里，现在竟然能给我一点安慰。

后来，翻啊翻，又翻到自己摘录自几米作品的话：“我们错过了诺亚方舟，错过了铁达尼号，错过了一切的惊险与不惊险，我们还要继续错过。”

我还在这两个极端中游走，细细咀嚼这两句话的涵义，但我想我还是比较贴近几米的，虽然我希望我会像泰戈尔多一点。

旅行的欲望，再次蠢蠢欲动

2006-10-16T01:07:00.000+08:00

寂静的布拉格广场（摄于2005年12月15日）

Charles Bridge in Prague（摄于2005年12月17日）

去年冬天的 Cesky Krumlov （摄于2005年12月17日）

Cesky Krumlov 的美让我们都屏息了好久好久。（摄于2005年12月17日）

我偶然想起林一峰那首叫做《重回布拉格》的歌，突然间唤起我在布拉格（Prague）的种种美好回忆。我想我这辈子也无法忘记飘着细细雪花中的布拉格广场，当然还有似乎只有在童话故事里才存在的唯美小镇 Cesky Krumlov。随着时间的流逝，Stanford 让我觉得越来越沉闷，越来越无趣。乍看之下，校园很漂亮，看久了也就腻了，当然我非常清楚明年的今天，我又会埋怨我多么想念在 Stanford 里的一草一木，一景一物。

原来，只有离开后才会发现，我真的很喜欢欧洲，过去三年来能在欧洲辗转游走算是很幸运的了。以前，欧洲国家旅行多了，甚至很多次嫌欧洲各国大同小异，此时此刻的我，却越来越想念欧洲，想念欧洲的典雅景色，想念欧洲高贵的街道，想念欧洲的风味小吃，想念欧洲人的气质，更想念欧洲旅行的方便。

如今来到美国，这里幅员辽阔，公共交通的很不方便，大大削弱了在这里游走的兴致。看了看飞往欧洲的机票价格，有的比在美国内陆飞行还要便宜，出走的欲望再次蠢蠢欲动。

这是吊诡，还是矛盾，我还在学习琢磨。

～～～～～

《重回布拉格》　　词曲：林一峰

重回布拉格没有变的古城
经过繁忙繁忙咖啡店像看到你背影但我很清醒
为了想起当天某些事还是设法放弃当天某人
心里尚有遗憾未免难尽兴

我可有为你哭但这冲动太可笑
随著夜行列车远离已忘掉细节的分秒
我只记著最好在我心内你永不老
至少天气未转好尚有公路我可拥抱

设法掌握得到的事还是说句再见偏偏太迟
失散後你的叹息言犹在耳

你可会为我哭但这奢望太可笑
越过麦田夜空飞行中还掂记谁的心跳
再不见面也好但这心事你可知道
我应该笑著回忆你让这生命再不枯燥
至少天气还算好下一站永不知道

Full Moon on the Quad & Mid Autumn Festival

2006-10-11T03:35:00.000+08:00

Full Moon on the Quad (FMOTQ) - one of Stanford's biggest events of the year - was held last Saturday night.

Held on exactly the same night 9000 miles away was another vaguely familiar event called Mid Autumn Festival (MAF) at Hwa Chong.

The nature of FMOTQ and MAF was obviously vastly different, but I suppose there is one and only one reason for attending, as Robert Crook - a Stanford student - aptly summed up on October 9's "Stanford Daily":

"Why did we, a collection of different people with different interests, decide to band together and share this experience? Was it for the kissing? ...... Was it the music? ...... Was it a lack of better things to do?......

......The nature of this X factor remained unclear to me until about halfway through K. Flay's performance, when familiar faces began materializing out of the ether. One, then two, then three and four and five and six -- before I knew it, I was surrounded by people I had seen every day of freshman year. Our exchanges were unintelligible, our mannerisms flamboyant, our collective reason for being there now boneheadedly obvious: We went there to be there. Being there. Being there in the company of others, in the middle of something bigger than ourselves, embracing the idiosyncrasies of university life. That's the source of magic behind events like Full Moon and even, one could argue, behind the Stanford Experience."

But most faces around me on Saturday were unfamiliar. In actual fact, I am still struggling to remember their names and match their names with their faces (even though all are Singaporeans). I felt a tinge of homesickness then and there. I miss the Left Wing and Right Wing. I miss the mass dances. I miss the Wushu performance. I miss going to Sixth Avenue for icecream after MAF...

The last time I attended MAF was like ages ago - I can't even remember which year. When will I be able to attend MAF again?

“稍微比较轻松但也轻松不到哪里去”的课

2006-10-07T14:19:00.000+08:00

过去两天，下了雨，是这里半年来的第一场雨。温度突然拉得好低，完全不像印象中的 California。心也开始冷了。

我的资料越堆越高，有一门课程的功课出奇得多，每堂课之前须要读几百页的资料，然后得写一份 Response Paper。也就是说，每周有两堂课，上课之前得读到眼花缭乱后，再写两份 Paper，而且每份 Paper 都算分（所以，这门 10 星期的课要写 20 份的 Response Paper），还有 Mid-term 考试和 Final 考试，还有一个两天的 Conference，外加一份额外的 Research Paper，通通算分。朋友向教授讨价还价，说能不能每周只写一篇 Paper，教授想也不想说了不。教授说，既然我们能考进这间 S-字头大学，学术能力一定不差。

我只想刮教授一巴掌，这里每位教授以为学生每学期只上他的一个课程，时间多得是。我实在想在教授面前大声喊：“我不只上你的课，我还有其他教授的课。”

于是，我不行了，只好放弃这门课，选修其他“稍微比较轻松但也轻松不到哪里去”的课。

结果，我还不是每周要读 1000+++ 页的资料？

天啊，开学只不过两个星期罢了，我的睡眠时间已经从两星期前的 8 小时减少到昨天的 5 小时。我暂时不允许“论文”一词进入生活中，否则日子会更难过。

幸福，是在自己手中的。

2006-10-02T04:33:00.000+08:00

开学一个星期了，发现之前写的 “怎么也看不出大学的高压在哪里” 那段话应该收回去。昨天算了算我每个星期究竟有几页 readings 要读，统计后的数字叫我咋舌。加加减减后，总页数竟然有四位数。把眼光放远一点，这个学期总共有十星期，所以届时学期结束后，总阅读页数将多达一万多页。这还不包括准备论文的资料。。。我想我会死得很漂亮。。。

现在每读一个字，我就越想不过去。。。想着如果我是念心理学的话，我会开心几万倍，要我读几百万页的资料，我也不会介意。

开不开心，其实只能由自己决定。幸福是掌控在自己手中的。

我只希望，我能尽快看开。。。

美酒＋美景＋美天气

2006-09-29T12:47:00.000+08:00

蓝天无云的绝佳天气

喝了酒，我们是不是很开心满足呢？

我们前几天随性在吃完晚餐后说周末要到酿酒厂品尝美酒，结果偌大的校园不能抵制我们出走的欲望，我们七个人上周末真的自己开车去了酿酒厂，而且我们不只参观一家酿酒厂，而是一口气拜访了四五家酿酒厂。

美国最佳酿酒之地就在加利福尼亚州，其红酒和白酒的质地不逊色于来自法国 Bordeaux 的酒。既然来到这里念书，似乎没有什么任何理由能阻止我们彳亍于葡萄园之间，享受在蓝天无云的绝佳天气下品尝一等美酒的自在写意。

从校园到 Millbrae 小休吃点心午餐，然后往旧金山开去，一路向北，路途起了浓浓的雾。我想起（和想念）伦敦早晨的朦胧雾，原来旧金山也和伦敦一样会常常起雾。车离开了山锁雾，便来到了常在旅游杂志上看到的壮观的金门大桥。我从来没有到过著名的金门大桥，我们也没有打算特地绕道去金门大桥看看，可是无独有偶，我们车内的 GPS 系统告诉我们要抵达 Sonoma Wine Country 就得过金门大桥。

过桥前，过桥时，过桥后的桥旁风景本来就很秀丽，现在因为袅袅而升的雾而增添丝丝的神秘色彩，更加绚丽多姿。

还没品尝到美酒，我们已经被沿途风景给迷醉了，像我第一次到巴黎一样被铁塔给迷住了，久久不想离开。

过了金门大桥简直就是另一片天地，美国幅员辽阔显然易见，开着车，把车窗拉低，让风穿过头发轻拂脸庞，骤然感到就连美国的空气也是很自由的。

之后，我们品尝了大概有二十多种酒，喝地很尽兴，也阔气买了几瓶酒，其中大概那瓶 Cabernet Sauvignon 最香醇，最浓郁，真的是好酒一瓶，价钱当然不菲，一瓶要50美元，但我们还是买了下来。=)

（从酿酒厂买酒比较便宜，这样的美酒在外面的价格随随便便超过一百美元，而且不一定找得到。）

“醉翁之意不在酒，在乎山水之间也。山水之乐，得之心而寓之酒也。”我们拥有了美景加美酒加很美的天气，还能要求什么呢？

不知道 Big Ben 何时再为我鸣响？

2006-09-24T00:39:00.000+08:00

S 曾经说过 Stanford 像是个巨大的高压釜，可是我们到现在却怎么也看不出大学的高压在哪里。或许是高压釜的盖现在暂时掀开，所以一切阳光明媚，轻松自在。California-式的典型绚丽天气实在美妙诱人，很多人穿着 T 恤和百慕达骑着脚踏车或是溜滑轮代步，也有很多人为了迎新而办烧烤会，委实像豪华度假村多过庄严的学术殿堂。。。

我已经不由自主地爱上 Stanford 了，虽然爱上却有点哀伤。。。此时此刻，我更想念的是伦敦以及伦敦的一切。。。Hampstead，Hampstead Heath，Hampstead Crepes，Ben's cookies。。。真的不知道 Big Ben 要等到什么时候才能再次为我鸣响。。。

是不是吊诡，拭目以待

2006-09-22T14:56:00.000+08:00

不得不承认，我们消耗很多的时间，很多的精力，当然还有很多的金钱，从这个地方，搬到那个地方，再迁来迁去，甚至用身体的健康和安危交换许许多多的自讨苦吃，终于迁徙到这里来了。结果，我上星期天在教堂被一名洋人的问题给怔住了。

“你千里迢迢离开自己的国家，到这里来就是研究自己的文化，你不觉得很吊诡吗？”

我不加思索说：“这样，视角才会不同。”

是不是这样，接下来几个月自有分晓。

活该

2006-09-11T17:46:00.000+08:00

总认为事情要到最后才能看出端倪，所以我总习惯把很多事情拖到最后刹那才去处理，只能说自己自讨苦吃，自己活该。。。

Free

2006-09-07T23:58:00.000+08:00

My US hosts for the Stanford Homestay Program, Don and Mary, sent me several emails - they sounded very friendly, offering to pick me up at San Francisco Airport (haha... I can save at least US$20 for the trip), offering to drive me all around prior to the start of school (save more money), and also free accommodation in their house (yet, more savings!):

"Our home is located about six miles from the campus. While you are with us, we will be glad to drive you back and forth and to take time to acquaint you with this area. We think it is one of the nicest places in the country, so expect to hear us brag about it occasionaly! (Don't expect us to be similarly enthusiastic about our government!)...

...Both of us are retired school teachers. Mary taught middle-school students in Redwood City for many years; during those same years I taught high school chemistry in Palo Alto. We have enjoyed the opportunity to do a lot of traveling to many parts of the world. One of our enjoyable experiences was a visit of several days to Singapore, almost thirty years ago. On a number of our trips, we were able to become re-acquainted with former students whom we had hosted while they were attending Stanford or other local schools."

I can't wait to leave Singapore. After living abroad for 3 years (plus 1 more year), I wonder how I'm going to survive in mundane Singapore for possibly the next 6 years. :(

~~~~~
*My plan to visit Peru is still ongoing. Anybody interested?

还有九天

2006-09-07T04:01:00.000+08:00

我从伦敦搬回来的行李，还没有 unpack，现在却要开始收拾美国的行李。

每年都是这样的情况，去年更糟，只有两三天的时间收拾。

今年算是很好了～～我还有九天的时间，买课本，买吃的，买用的，买喝的，买读的。

班机已确定，就在下星期五，会在 Seoul 的仁川国际机场转机，预计中午时分抵达旧金山（San Francisco）。

我从来没有坐过这样长时间的飞机，十九个小时，怎么耐？

～～～
＊死报馆始终不肯给我搭新航，最后没办法，只好自己外加差不多 300 块钱，订了新航。:(

明天最后

2006-09-01T04:06:00.000+08:00

蔡副总刚刚笑着问我：“今天最后一天吗？”

我笑回说：“没有。明天。”

“那么，几时飞？”

“两个礼拜后。”

然后，他的眼镜睁得好大好大。

我大概明白他的意思。

还好

2006-08-29T07:57:00.000+08:00

还有四天，工作就结束了。

我须要喘息的空间和时间，还好，我还有两个星期休息的时间。

我要去很多地方。

就等这四天过后。

朋友，不是要有就有的。

2006-08-28T08:02:00.000+08:00

刚过去的周末有两个聚会，算是不错了，至少今年还有时间和精力和多一点朋友见面，而且都是很多年没有见面的朋友，本来还有点内疚和惭愧，可是见了面之后，时光仿佛倒流到我们认识的那个时候。

＊聚会（一）

星期六，本来约好和他们吃晚餐，可是做工所消耗的体力是无与伦比的大，结果懒得出门。然后晚上 10 点，WD 打了电话给我，说他们在等我，内疚感加倍，还是出门露个面比较好。结果，我们七个人一见面，就天南地北。后来，剩下四个人，从 Marina Square 转移阵地到 Bras Basah 的 McDonalds 不知不觉地聊到凌晨三点半。就连从澳洲回来的 GL 也说，我们这次好像是第一次聊到那么久。可是我们一点倦意也没有。

我们七个人从学生时代因为帮报馆拍照而认识，现在我们都没有再帮报馆拍照了。WY 还说她的镜头发霉了，哈哈，JX 说他的 dry pack 也坏了。今非昔比，我们都知道，不过还是有话题聊，骂早报的那几个高层如何还是那么死板，八卦某某某还是一样会拍马屁……哦 JX 明年要结婚了，祝福他。我们那段曾经一起搞摄影展的时光还是我比较刻骨铭心的，毕竟那时我只有 16 岁，以后，我们还有合作的机会吗？

＊聚会（二）

星期天，这是小学朋友的聚会，本来以为只有那几位，可是万万没有想到整整 12 年没有见面的小学朋友也来了，又惊又喜。是的，12 年，提到这个数字，感觉好像好久好久，但是聊起小学发生的事时，一切又历历在目，大家回味无穷。

谁谁谁坐在谁谁谁的旁边？哪个老师听写不及格会把作业本子丢到课室外？放学后喜欢在学校对面的小店买玩具，然后不想回家，跑去某人的家聚会玩 street fighter？到谁的家做 project 的时候，谁的父母会特别照顾我们？谁和谁曾经在班上打架，闹得满班风云？谁和谁每天早上要去 TAF Club 被老师叫去做额外的运动减轻体重？谁家住哪里，门牌几号，旧家的电话号码是什么竟然还有人记得？等等等……

这是一种很微妙的感觉。岁月不饶人无所谓，反正大家都无恙，而且一切还算顺利，这样就够了，做人始终要懂地惜福。以后，我们还会再保持联络的，不是吗？

人与人之间的关系是由缘分主导的，这是我一直以来的信念。

朋友，不是要有就有的。

要不要打瞌睡，再看着办

2006-08-23T20:24:00.000+08:00

大学的资料一份又一份慢慢地送来，我看到眼花缭乱。一年要念完两年的课程，是可以做到的，H. M. 一直这么跟我说。课程选择很多，琳琅满目，可是，我看到大多数的课程题目，就要打瞌睡，什么"Japanese Politics and Political Economy", "China in World Politics", "Chinese Politics: The Transformation and the Eras of Reform", "The US and Asia During the Cold War", "US-China Relations: From the Opium War to Tiananmen", "Meiji Japan"……这些课程我大概是会选修，还没真正读，单看题目就想睡觉。其他课程好像比较有趣，比如"Marriage and Kinship", "The Japanese Tea Ceremony: The History, Aesthetics, and Politics Behind a National Pastime", "East Asian Cinema", "Lives of the Samurai"等等，这些好像没有多大用处，要读也是读爽的。

到底怎么选，到了那边再看着办。

工作小插曲

2006-08-20T13:25:00.000+08:00

很多朋友问为什么这么久没有 update blog 了，刚刚 log-in Blogger 的网站，才发现真的，已经超过一个月没有写了。我只能说，不好意思，真的没时间，没精力，做工的时间虽然飞逝而过，下班后就不想再用脑写东西了。

这一个多月以来，一切还算顺利，只不过前几天发生了一段我从来没有想过会发生的工作小插曲，目前我还是看不出我到底错在哪里，请了各位主任给我意见，还在等待中。深江说或许我没错，或许真的是我判断出了错误，但总是个学习的经验，他还没仔细看我的文章，所以没办法给予确实的看法，只好耐心等待……慧玲也这么说，相信也会给我宝贵的意见，读者的投诉不是没有道理，只是我不完全同意……有结论再 update 吧。

I'm still alive.

2006-07-14T10:28:00.000+08:00

To those who frequent my blog:

我还活着。有空再写。

I’m still alive. Will write soon when I’m free.

Moving woes

2006-06-29T06:48:00.000+08:00

Ok, it must be me. My I-20 form has finally been settled only after 4 weeks. Now I’m stuck at the SEVIS I-901 fee payment, which I paid very early on 16th June, and after 13 days, it still has not been processed. Hey, I paid electronically, not via cheque sent by slow regular mail. What is wrong with the efficiency of the US immigration? Or maybe it is just me.

And so, I cannot proceed onto the ACTUAL visa application. There are 4 forms - DS-156, DS-157, DS-158 and SGP V-4 - to fill in which should not be a problem since this process only involves me. Then, I need to get a cashier’s order from the bank for the visa fee (another fee!!!), since the embassy accepts no other forms of payment, not even debit or credit card or even cash. What is wrong with them?

And then I realise I need to retake my passport photos, since the US immigration only accepts photos that are exactly 2 inches by 2 inches. What the hell.

And so, without the US visa, my 2 boxes to the US are stuck at the UK depot, and so I cannot settle all payment for the shipment and so I cannot close my UK bank accounts before I leave the UK. My 3 boxes to Singapore are already on their way home, and I sent all 5 boxes at the same time. What the fuck.

And to top it all up, my toothache is coming back.

What a great summer!

And what a great way to say goodbye to London!

整理三年

2006-06-24T06:57:00.000+08:00

整理收拾了一个星期还没整理收拾完，三年内累积的东西比想象中的还要多。

已经不忍心丢了很多，也送了很多，还是剩下一大堆。

没办法，三年的点点滴滴怎么能在几天内就草草收拾完毕呢？

所以，我得忍着牙痛（和心痛）把回家的日期再度延迟。

明天不回岛国了。

Packing Pangs

2006-06-19T06:39:00.000+08:00

Packing pangs have officially set in. I am truly amazed by how much stuff I’ve accumulated in three years. I had 4 big boxes (120 kg) at the end of year 1, and 6 boxes (180 kg) by the end of year 2. I’m definite I have more rubbish than last year, maybe 8 boxes (240 kg) now?

I cannot afford to keep everything and ship everything home or to America, though I want to. It’s either throwing into bins, or giving to friends, or donating to charity. Hopefully I’ll end up with just 4 boxes.

I know I’ll eventually get through all these packing woes. I just need time. And patience.

*By the way, we queued for 50 minutes to get crepes just now and the creperie boss unexpectedly said to me, “It’s you again! You come everyday!” In actual fact, I haven’t been to eat crepes for 3 weeks. I’ll miss the crepes. I’m 101% sure I can’t find any other crepes in the world better than Hampstead’s. :(

离开

2006-06-18T05:27:00.000+08:00

我真的不想离开，也不知道如何离开。三年一晃而过，时光怎么荏苒也无须多说，大家都心知肚明。只希望在伦敦的最后几天，能好好和大家说再见。

我知道我离开以后，我会再回来，这或许就足够了。

Only my tooth can decide.

2006-06-16T04:53:00.000+08:00

There are pros and cons in life. One cannot expect to be lucky all the time.

Provisional results were out, and I was just a few thousandths of a percentage less than the first and second positions and could have done *just* slightly better to get the prize of 200 pounds. But I’m happy nevertheless to come third in the cohort. =)

Switzerland was awesome, Madrid was not bad either. But I had to cancel my 8-days Scotland trip starting tomorrow, because of an excruciating toothache (so much more painful than the wisdom teeth) which has been put under control with a strong dose of antibiotics, forfeiting the train tickets and hostel reservation charges (which thankfully did not exceed 40 pounds in total). I had to choose to part with 450 pounds to have my nerve at the root of my tooth removed in London, or to go back home earlier to get the ache sorted out at a much cheaper price. So, I might be back in humid Singapore as early as next week, currently booked on the flight SQ319 on 24th June, next Saturday. Hopefully, I can endure the pain and extend my stay in London and leave on 7th July as initially planned, but I seriously doubt so.

Stella said I can stay as long as I want. Yes I want to, but I have no choice. I don’t want to leave London. Only my tooth can decide now.

Oh well...

2006-05-27T19:38:00.000+08:00

Final exams have ended two days ago, and I’m really really really glad that the 3 weeks are now over. A frustrating revision period reading the stuff which I like and which I know I cannot continue to pursue. Glorious sunshine that afternoon lifted my mood for a while. But sunshine and happiness is fleeting - it’s now surprisingly getting cold and dreary yet again on a Saturday afternoon today, with the grey clouds hanging unbelievably low in the sky, not like spring, but more like autumn.

I had some time to rest after exams, and I gave myself a few hours off that afternoon after the finalists’ party. I worked so hard, though some exams could have been better in my opinion. But grades don’t really matter much to me now. What’s the difference between getting a First Class Honours and a Second Upper now? Maybe afterall, I’m not fated to go to Stanford to do Masters in a totally different field - Stanford rejected my I-20 request (a required certificate for student visa application) not once, but three times (and it’s still not settled yet). Is God telling me to follow my interest in Psychology?

Walking alone under glorious sunshine (20 degrees that day!) from Euston to Russell Square to Holborn to Covent Garden to Leicester Square to Trafalgar Square, down Whitehall to Big Ben, after which I sat at Parliament Square for 30 minutes writing a letter to my professor, in which I vented my frustrations. I felt so happy and so free that moment. Free in a bustling London.

What’s done has been done and cannot be undone. I’ll just leave everything to fate. And yes, I still need to talk to that bastard at Stanford to sort out my I-20. Americans don’t seem to understand proper English. Oh well…

Summer!

2006-05-21T17:42:00.000+08:00

Four more days to my last exam, and I’ll be set free!

Summer plans have been more or less confirmed. I’ll be backpacking in Switzerland, Spain and Scotland (hmm… now I realise that they all start with the letter S), before leaving London permanently on the night of July 7th (so that I can attend the memorial service that day). That’s less than 2 months to say goodbye to everyone here. =(

And then I’ll rest for 1.5 days before starting work on July 10th for 2 months. News desk posting has just been confirmed - and this is the first time I’m actually looking forward to working (this is my 5th internship). Well, it’s a new paper, so maybe not much constraints.

And then, I’ll have a break for maybe 1 week before heading to California. Not that excited, surprisingly.

It’s time to return to books now. After Thursday, it’s goodbye to personality, goodbye to emotions, goodbye to memory mechanisms, goodbye to cognition, goodbye to neuroscience, goodbye to mental illness; and it’s hello China, hello Korea, hello Japan, hello politics, hello history, hello economics... Not looking forward but whatever.

I should have known better...

2006-05-13T19:54:00.000+08:00

I should be happy when Harvey wrote me a letter a few days ago, saying that the department is submitting my dissertation for publication in the academic journal, although Harvey said “there is no guarantee that papers we submit will be accepted.”

Lagnado said to me that would be excellent and “you would have something to put on your CV.”

I should be happy, but I’m not.

Instead, I am plainly frustrated.

Haggard said he’s willing to do anything that helps, within his capabilities that can get me out of the bond, so that I can continue PhD in Psychology.

Ah well, I should have known better when I signed my name on that piece of paper 5 years ago. I’ve given up.

Like Harvey said, the accepted publication would probably only “remind me of your time as a psychologist.”

I don’t know what to reply to them.

Amazed

2006-05-03T00:04:00.000+08:00

I am truly amazed today by the people who walked out of the exam hall 30 minutes after the exam started. Either their writing speed is phenomenal, or they just couldn’t be bothered (the latter sounds more likely), which is good news for the rest for us. I mean I wrote 16 pages (no line spacing) in 3 hours -- yes my right hand is still trembling now -- and I still couldn’t finish what I want to answer. How can they finish 3 essays in 30 minutes? Yeah, good, these people should all fail. Yah, I’m evil and sadistic. But I need the first class honours. Let the competition begin. All who have shown efforts (at least all of us who sat through 3 hours) should all be rewarded.

On another note, I still can’t believe forensic psychology came out on the clinical psychology exam today. What’s wrong with the lecturers?

Terminal

2006-04-28T04:23:00.000+08:00

Terminal

I have officially reached the terminal stage of exam preparations.

First, I left my thumb-drive in Lab 1, only realising after I got out of the building. (This has never happened to me.)

Then I walked past my Dutch classmate in DMS Watson, only knowing it’s her after she stopped me. (This has never happened as well.)

So, if you see me on the streets and I’m ignoring you, it’s not that I want to ignore you, but my mind just somehow gets dissociated from my body. I’m just too engrossed in don’t-know-what and fail to notice you consciously.

On another note, you know you are ready when you can spot mistakes on lecture handouts. Give me any question and I’ll give you flawless essays, I wish.

我真的不知道

2006-04-24T07:13:00.000+08:00

我真的不知道

时间所剩无几。
他们都说现在辛苦是值得的。
天啊。75% 不是开玩笑。
连老板都说：“功课要紧，一个月交也没问题。”
我真的不知道。
我从来没有这样不肯定。
我真的不知道。
我有种不详的感觉。
我真的不知道。

2006-04-19T00:16:00.000+08:00

I'm getting a newspaper column, or hopefully...

Seriously, I initially thought my editor sent the email to the wrong person, but after reading the entire email, it turns out it's addressed to me. No errors.

I've been invited to write a commentary column every fortnight for the new Chinese daily due to circulate in June 1st.

It came as a surprise, or should I say shock. I admit when I start work offcially, I do yearn a personal column where I can just rant anything. This came a bit too early, but I suppose it's a good sign. =)

What makes me more excited is I can write about anything, no restrictions except for the usual you-know-what. And since this is a new paper, there doesn't seem to be too much rules to conform to like those in traditional Zaobao.

As my editor wrote: "我们在乎的是看法，表达上可以稍微个人一点......我们的言论不会像早报这么正统、严肃，可以允许稍微偏离主流的调子......尽管写来吧，不要有太大的负担。"

I need to crack my brain soon... haha... what if, eventually the things I write are all crap that can't be published...

(Exams are more important now.)

2006-04-17T17:08:00.000+08:00

Wicked London

It's an irony. I was desperately pushing SPH to confirm my Masters just last week, and when they finally did, I'm more relieved than happy actually. So the harsh conclusion now is: my days in London are numbered, and the more I think of this, the more I am not looking forward to going to America. How can three years just zoom past like that? There are still so many things I haven't done and seen yet. Well, there's absolutely no way that I can attend my graduation ceremony, because it clashes with damn SPH's internship. So, I'm trying to prolong my stay in London in the coming summer as long as possible now, tentatively after July 7th, leaving me 6 weeks after exams to say goodbye to wicked London. Don Mclean's "Streets of London" inevitably sprung up to mind:

"So how can you tell me you're lonely,
And say for you that the sun don't shine?
Let me take you by the hand and lead you through the streets of London
I'll show you something to make you change your mind"

Billy

2006-04-16T21:58:00.000+08:00

Billy

Ok, I admit I am obsessed with Billy now. In less than 24 hours after watching the musical, I bought myself another ticket (55 pounds) on the last day of my exams.

Another song, besides Electricity, that has been on replay mode since that night: =)

Dear Billy [Billy’s Reply]

BILLY:
And please, Mammy…
know that I will always be
proud to have known you
proud that you were mine
Proud in everything…
And I promise you this, Mammy.

BILLY:
In everything I do
I’ll always be myself,

MUM:
In everything you do
Always be yourself

BILLY:
Mammy.
And I always will be true.

MUM:
Love you forever.

BILLY:
Love you forever.

MUM:
Love you forever.

BILLY:
Mam.
Bye Mam.

2006-04-14T20:06:00.000+08:00

Electrifying Billy Elliot!

I thought I needed to do something except than studying, since this is the first Easter holiday that I am staying in London and not going anywhere for holiday.

So, I finally saw Billy Elliot The Musical yesterday night, and it was electrifying! The film version was already very good, but the musical was way better. The ticket wasn’t cheap but it’s definitely worth every penny. (And it was difficult to get hold of a ticket last minute as well.) So, I have decided I am going to watch Billy Elliot again before I leave London for good, which is probably the best way to say goodbye to the West End and London.

All the Billys are only 10-12-year-old kids, and it’s really amazing how such young boys can act and dance and sing for 3 hours 3 times a week. One can just tell how much hard work the boys and the entire cast and backstage crew has put in. I am truly impressed.

I incidentally found this video on youtube, showing Liam Mower as Billy Elliot singing Electricity, which was one of the scenes in the musical sold out every night. (Apart from missing his cue and forgetting the first few words of the song, Liam was fantastic and this was exactly what I saw yesterday. Obviously, it was better seeing Liam right before your eyes.) There’s another scene of Billy flying on the stage, which was the most electrifying I think, but not shown on this video.

Enjoy.

(When can I be as free as Billy???)

Electricity ~~ Lyrics by Lee Hall, Music by Elton John

I can’t really explain it, I haven’t got the words
It’s a feeling that you can’t control
I suppose it’s like forgetting, losing who you are
And at the same time something makes you whole
It’s like that there’s a music playing in your ear
And I’m listening, and I’m listening and then I disappear

And then I feel a change
Like a fire deep inside
Something bursting me wide open impossible to hide
And suddenly I’m flying, flying like a bird
Like electricity, electricity
Sparks inside of me
And I’m free I’m free

It’s a bit like being angry, it’s a bit like being scared
Confused and all mixed up and mad as hell
It’s like when you’ve been crying
And you’re empty and you’re full
I don’t know what it is it’s hard to tell
It’s like that there’s a music playing in your ear
But the music is impossible impossible to hear
But then I feel it move me
Like a burning deep inside
Something bursting me wide open impossible to hide
And suddenly I’m flying, flying like a bird
Like electricity, electricity
Sparks inside of me
And I’m free I’m free
Electricity, sparks inside of me
And I’m free, I’m free
I’m free

2006-04-10T22:35:00.000+08:00

California!

Finally, it's been confirmed!