与上海公安的第一次亲密接触

懒得写。。。以下就贴了我在《我报》的专栏：

Blog Under Construction

I finally decided to change my blog layout. It will be fully functional in the next few days. =)

上海 vs. 伦敦

上海的黄梅天闷到不行，我却每天坚持走半个小时的路上班，同事说我是超人，第一次听到有人在黄梅天竟然走这么长的路的。我只微笑不语，想起在伦敦穿街走巷的岁月。突然间，好怀念在伦敦彳亍的氛围，和上海“这个国际大都会”简直是相差十万八千里。

上海，来了快3个星期了，却还没爱上她。

心理老是想着伦敦。

希望今年秋天能回伦敦一趟。真的好想念。当然，还有秘鲁。

仍旧匆匆的初夏

已经快一个月没有 update 了。一个月以来，过着匆匆飞来飞去，走来走去，驾来驾去的生活。这里就先告知一下过去一个月的匆匆近况。

6月12日，学期结束后，便是到 Yosemite 国家公园玩了三天。之后又回到斯坦福，“参加”了毕业典礼。然后，我们又从学校开车到了 Yellowstone 国家公园，从 California 到 Wyoming 一开就是整整15多个小时。待了五天，然后又开15小时的车回到斯坦福，又待了一天，就匆匆飞回新加坡。飞回岛国之前，我们还去了 Daly City，吃了很久没吃的 Koi Palace 点心。=)

然后，又和以往一样，在岛国非常短期地逗留了仅仅四天，仍旧一个朋友也没有见（抱歉！）。之后，又搭飞机到曼谷，然后转机到上海来（因为机票比较便宜，要不然早就搭新航的直航班机了）。

这样辗转，已经是7月1日了。

结果，抵达上海后，已是累得不成人形，又要找旅店，然后找房子，又然后找工作地点，之后又得在一天内熟悉上海。我对自己的超强适应能力，感到无比自豪。=p

现在，上海的生活总算比较尘埃落定。也终于找到了办法登录 blogspot。中国竟然把该网站（和BBC新闻网站）给禁了，但却没有禁 blogger，真奇怪。所以，理论上，我是能 blog的，只是看不到我 blog 的内容，所以过去两个星期干脆不 blog。好了，既然现在已经找到办法钻过这讨人厌的防火墙，以后能继续发帖子了。

暂时就这样，明天再写。

回首 Stanford 的阳光 (Part 2 of 5) - Winter Break @ Mexico 2006-2007

(1) San Miguel (19th Dec 2006)


Cathedral @ day.


Same cathedral @ night.


Street.


La Casa.


One of TA's many self-taken photos.

(2) Guanajuato (20th Dec 2006)


Aerial view of Guanajuato.


Companion.


Truco 7's Street.


Hilly Guanajuato.


University.

(3) Guadalajara & around (21st Dec 2006)


YJ flying by TA...


YJ grounded by me... I was tired after that!


TA taking revenge... I'm helping...


OK, a more proper shot...


Sumptous meal at friendly Chinese restaurant (these were the leftovers! you can imagine how much there was to begin with).


Agaves - main source of Tequila.


A tequila distillation plant at Tequila's hometown - Tequila.

(4) Acapulco (26th Dec 2006)


Fortress.


Tree.


Crowded and dirty beach.

(5) Mexico City (27th to 31st Dec 2006)


Interesting exhibit at the anthropology museum.


Amazed by I-forgot-what at Xochimilco.


Templo Mayor.

(6) Teotihuacan (29th Dec 2006)


On the way up the world's third largest pyramid...


We made it!!! TA still climbing??


Gorgeous view of Teotihuacan


Hmm... TA made it, but I still don't know what YJ was doing to T.


Seeing what YJ was doing, I fled down the pyramid!

Transition

Everytime I see my advisor, I feel weird. Everytime I hear her speak in her masculine voice, I'm perplexed. H still cannot believe she transitioned last summer, and still cannot imagine how a "he" she used to know would look like in dresses, makeup and jewellery and other accessories. Therefore, H kept asking me to take a picture with her. But, I still do not dare... :p

Everytime I meet her to discuss my thesis, I feel the urge to just ask her why. Why at this age? Why now? Why transition? What happened to her wife?

Maybe I'll get to find out when I know her better. Or maybe never.

记者的生活遐想

昨天在 Palo Alto 的 Nola's 吃晚餐的时候，他向我们娓娓说了他过去三十年的记者生涯，我们听了都惊叹不已。苏联分裂的时候，他在场；韩国办历史性的奥运会的时候，他也在场。在外飘荡几十年，报道历史重要事件，我对他的经历羡慕不已。我又想起在加沙地带（Gaza Strip）失踪好久的 BBC 通讯员 Alan Johnston，不禁觉得记者，这一行，虽然是危险的，但肯定是伟大的。但是，我又想起我的大部分记者生涯应该会在新加坡度过，想到了这点之后，什么刺激感都烟消云散。那天，我们还在讨论新加坡的报纸有多么沉闷，多多少少反映了大多数国人对国际时事漠不关心的可悲事实。大多数新加坡人的视线始终还是狭隘的。岛国的 “The Straits Times” 的素质有多差，这是大家都看得到的，根本就是无可否认的事实。

所以，以后有什么关键的国际事件，我想我只有旁观的份。什么时候我也能在 BBC 报道新闻呢？

什么是家？

前天跑步的时候，我想起了“家”。

跑完步后，想起了在前往大峡谷途中和 P 讨论关于“家”的含义的对话。

她说，岛国作为家的概念已经随着这几年在国外的留学生活而变得越来越模糊。

我理所当然对她的这一席话产生共鸣。

我们在别的地方落地生根的可能性逐日提高。因为我们的见识广了，因为岛国没有办法满足我们渴望自由的要求，因为我们在其他地方或许能比在岛国过得更加快乐。

当然，我们都不否认岛国培养我们今时今日成就的“功劳”，我们也不否认岛国是家人还有大多数朋友的所在地。

如何定义“家”这个问题于是又让我们哑口无言。车里的寂静和车外沙漠的浩瀚赫然间显得无比协调。

家人在的地方就是家吗？朋友在的地方就是家吗？培育我长大成人的国家就是家吗？一个人事业的中心的地方就是家吗？

我不禁想起最近能端主持的一个关于国民教育的对话会。我又想起我在国外念书的时候，会经常用“回家”的字眼来表达我要回宿舍的意思。

可是，到底，什么是家？“家”，作为一个概念，重要吗？

我真的不知道了。

回首 Stanford 的阳光 (Part 1 of 5) - Fall 2006

To make up for the lack of updates for the past year, here's a *tiny* selection of photos reviewing my past 9 months in the U.S. More will be uploaded in the next few days/weeks.

(1) Sonoma Valley - California on 23rd Sept 2006


Wineeeeeeee!!!


Vineyards.

(2) Hawaii during Thanksgiving (Nov 2006)


Hawaiian Shirt =p


Pearl Harbor.


View of Honolulu from Diamond Head.


At Diamond Head after a 30-minutes hike.


At the Polynesian Cultural Center.


The guys half way up Diamond Head.


Planting our own pineapples at Dole.


Romy's Shrimps!!! Yummy.


We went dolphin watching and snorkelling.


The waves are huge!


Surfing at Waikiki (Some of us had nipple abrasion! Ouch!).


Cock?

他们俩之间的笑声

我最近一直在看他们俩的照片，想起他们之间和以前的笑声，现在原来已不复存在。我始终不明白为什么，为什么，为什么。。。或许像他们异口同声说得吧：还有几个星期的时间，大家就曲终人散，事情或许告一段落，所以现在什么都无所谓？

可是，我还是觊觎听到他们彼此之间的笑声。他们也是如此希望，可是现实往往是事与愿违的。为什么呢？

六月了。。。

时间过得飞速，不知不觉已经六月了，一切好像幻觉。

有时候，我睡觉醒来，会弄不清楚自己是不是还在纽约，还是在拉斯维加斯，还是已经回到加利福尼亚州了。大峡谷的壮观，我想我这辈子也不会忘记，就好像秘鲁的 Colca Canyon 一样，两年前看到的绚丽，两年后还历历在目。而大峡谷的一草一木，还仿佛在我的视线不远处。

顿然间，我想起几米的一句话：“我守护如泡沫般脆弱的梦境，快乐才刚开始，悲伤却早已潜伏而来。”

六月了，又是到了“天下无不散之筵席”的时候。

~~~~~

＊我庆幸自己还有半年的学生生涯。。。 :p

思绪 vs. 毛毛虫

我想我的思绪已经开始变得更加凌乱，凌乱到大白天走在 Escondido Road 上，也会看不见眼前的毛毛虫，竟然好几次撞上了它们，还走了一段路，才发现毛毛虫在我衣服上爬来爬去，然后才不经意地把这些小玩意儿撇开。

这里的春天根本就是夏天。在校园里搔首弄姿的毛毛虫已经渐渐离去，我的思绪却仍然盘旋在这里的湛蓝苍穹。

美国 vs. 欧洲

上个周末到洛杉矶去，我们在永远都是阻塞的高速公路上开车时，C 忽然向右边指去，说是 "Hollywood" 的典型牌匾，我看了竟然一点儿感觉也没有。

自己无可否认的已经对美国的一景一物变得无动于衷。春假去了西雅图是失望，去了加拿大的温哥华更是绝望。就连比较赞赏的美国小镇竟然也都是模仿欧洲的城市而建的，比如说我们去的在 Washington State 的 Leavenworth 是模仿德国的 Bavaria，California State 的 Solvang 则是模仿丹麦的哥本哈根，是模仿得似模似样，可是还是相差十万八千里。

当然，虽然美国文化历史非常浅，但美国也不是荒地一大片。唯一值得留恋的或许只有这里的国家公园了。

我实在庆幸自己的本科是在欧洲念的。

周而复始

美国的大学生活周而复始，离开学校整整九天一路向北开车到西雅图和加拿大的温哥华，一晃而过，稍纵即逝，现在又恢复学术生活。大学的教育制度让我们似乎没有太多的喘息空间和时间，我想念在英国的学生生涯，这个时候，我应该还在旅行，那时的假期长达一个月，享之不尽。所以，整个周末，我一事无成，把所有东西暂时抛开，在家里无所事事，逍遥了许久。。。

不行，我明天必须振作了。讲义已经开始叠起。还有那惹人厌的论文，八字连一撇都没有，再这样下去，恐怕在上海的时候也得读书做功课。

填补缺口

喜欢就喜欢，不喜欢就不喜欢。如果每样事情这么黑白分明的话，那就太好了。有时候，因为想起这样的事，是很想快快回国，速速解决算了。大家都说长痛不如短痛，但是已经长痛了这么久，应该差不多是时候了。。。

再多几个月就要永远离开移居外国的生活，希望回国后能填补心里过去近十年的缺口。

我们真的长大了

两个在伦敦认识的韩国朋友先后相隔一天通过电邮捎来了喜讯，一个结婚不到一年就在前几天刚生了儿子，另外一个在伦敦时还没有女朋友，回韩国不到半年的时间就要在下个星期结婚了。风水轮流转，我记得他这么对我转述算命师傅对他说的话，结果真的应验了。真的替他们感到高兴。我们真的长大了。。。但是，长大究竟是好还是坏，我理所当然无可厚非又开始质疑起来。

让时间慢慢抚平一切

原来，我的心情起伏也能够这么变化无常，这是我自己也始料不及的。累了，厌了，倦了，真的，从来都没有这样过，周围的人大概都以为我疯了。真的非常抱歉。

刚刚碰巧读到 SY 的 blog，正好贴切形容过去几天的感受。她这样写道 ：“白天越是充满笑，夜晚便越是盛满泪。就像是聚会过后狼藉，独自面对⋯⋯一分钟前还在的快乐，恍若隔世。朦胧夜灯，拉长记忆中朋友走远的背影，照亮内心角落里啜泣的悲伤，勾勒出再清晰不过的轮廓：一个怕和自己独处的自己。”

真的，那天，我真的几乎崩溃。十分钟前还高兴的，十分钟后却马上变成另一个人。我无法做些什么，只好让时间慢慢抚平一切。。。

新年快乐

昨天我们为了新年晚餐做 Tiramisu 蛋糕的时候，我委实想起我们昔日在伦敦庆祝新年的日子，还有有时在 Melissa 的家吃饭的时光。我想起 Raymond 为我们表演功夫的情景，还有我们经常光顾在 Leicester Square 的 Mayflower 餐馆。实际上，我却忘了新年在新加坡是怎么庆祝的，忘了拜年的情景，忘了收红包的感受，忘了亲朋戚友玩牌赌博的情景。。。

今年是最后一年在国外庆祝新年了。在忘与想之间徘徊，似乎少了过年的气氛，可是气氛是人营造出来的，不是吗？
还好做华人的好处是年年能过两个年，错过了一个，还能期待下一个的来临。不是自欺欺人，也不是自圆其说，你也不能否定这点。

新年快乐！

回伦敦

这几天一直在网上找往返伦敦的机票，都贵得要命，加上假期不长，根本不划算。看来是回不去了。回伦敦说得那么理直气壮，真的，早已经把伦敦当成是另一个家了。只能期望夏天能抽出时间回去……

考车侧记

星期五考车的时候，考官竟然骂我驾得太慢。然后，她问我知不知道邻里住宅的车速是多少。我回答她说：“15 miles per hour。”（Y 陪我练习 test route 的时候也认为车速是 15 的。）

她面无表情（是的，我惊讶得把我的头转向她的脸庞有一秒半钟的时间那么久）地回应道：“It's 25 miles per hour!!!”我也懒得和她争辩，反正后来她给我及格就好了。

考完后，她在我的考卷上写了大大的“Don't drive too slow，”似乎又再次嘲笑我的小心翼翼。然后发现一半累积的 demerit points 是因为驾得太慢造成的，我无言以对。

哦对了，这里的司机超爱开超快车。比如说 El Camino Real 的车速是 35 mph，但大家喜欢而且常常开上 50 mph。难怪这里这么多人每年死于车祸。。不知道是活该还是自找的。

又是黄城的季节

前几天陆续收到学弟学妹传来有关《黄城》的售票详情，刚才又凑巧看到 N 在《我报》写了一篇名为《舍不掉的黄城》的文章，又理所当然想起《黄城》。

“有些东西是永远都无法舍弃的，比如说和《黄城夜韵》有关的东西。”N 写得理直气壮，我读了也感到理直气壮。

“那时，我们为了排练，总会在学校待到晚上九点以后才回家。老师赶我们走，我们还不情不愿地放下手头的工作，攀栏离开学校……现在，大家各奔东西，念书的念书、工作的工作，但一起为《黄城》奋斗的经历，不会轻易忘怀。”

无可否认的是，黄城的日子已经离我们好远好远。但感觉上，黄城似乎又不曾离去，已经错过了四年的黄城今年会再次错过。至少我知道明年不会和黄城分割两地。

脱离废人（非人）的生活

如果说上个学期是地狱，那么，这个学期应该是天堂。我跟 H 形容这个学期修的课，她说我终于懂得享受斯坦福了。她一直对我说这里很轻松，可是我上个学期根本就是死去活来，她说忙有忙的价值，不忙也有不忙的弊与益。现在开始明白了，过去两个星期能在读书期间几乎一口气看完四个系列的《24》（总共72个小时）或许就是最好的证明。等我这个来临的星期五考到了驾驶执照（希望不会不及格），或许就可以从此脱离废人（非人）的生活，加利福尼亚州有很多地方等待我发掘。。。

思伦敦

我望出窗外看见夜的斯坦福，满月寂寞地挂在天边的一隅。我想起去年的这个时候，依稀记得，硕士申请表格刚刚呈交上去，就已经开始期待在这里的生活；现在却吊诡似地想念伦敦，而且是时时刻刻的想念，朝思暮想的想念。。。吃鸭饭时会想念起 Bayswater 的 Four Seasons（这里的鸭饭根本不是人吃的）；吃韩国餐时会想念起 Bi Won 和 Kim Chee （Korean House 的水准不错，但根本比不上伦敦的）；去跑步时会想念起 Hampstead Heath （学校的风景大同小异，根本没有 Hampstead 的典雅）；搭 Marguerite 巴士时会想念起伦敦的红色双层巴士（这里不是美国人就是黄皮肤的人，我想念伦敦巴士上几十种语言碰击出的火花）；去买菜的时候会想念起伦敦的 Marks and Spencer 和 Waitrose （这里 Safeway 和 Walmart 的水准实在差）。。。还有，我也想念每走十步就是一间 pub 的方便，这里连在街上喝酒也不行。当然，我最想念伦敦市的交通方便，这里没有车就好像是废人一个。。。

那天，我问她是喜欢这里还是伦敦。她也不假思索地回答说：“伦敦。”

我好想好想好想回去伦敦。

好痛好痛。。。

在车上聊天的时候，隐约感到她的郁郁不乐。昨天吃雪糕的时候不小心提起他，才知道他们俩的事。我当然是惊讶，然后脑海里不由自主又想起“世事无常”这四个字。我理所当然没有吐出这四个字，否则她真的就要在我面前崩溃了。看得出她装坚强背后的痛苦，看得出她装冷静背后的绝望。我也不知道该说些么，更不知道能为她做点什么。心里只能为她感到惋惜。她也说可惜，可是“真的没有办法了，”我看到她的眼角湿湿的。。。

之后，“真的没有办法了。”这七个字久久在我脑里盘旋不去。。。

我顿然间也觉得好。痛。。好。。。痛。。。。

事与愿违

来了三个多月，却对这里的一切感到陌生。或许就好像 D 和 H 今天对我说的：“我们或许要到了上海，才有一起坐下来吃饭的时间。”

很可笑，也很可悲，但这是事实，没有人想面对这样的逼不得已与无可奈何。

三个月，是不短的一段时间，可是我们真的连一起吃饭谈天的机会都没有。我只能无奈对她们说，对不起。

或许，我们真的要等到今年夏天的中国或韩国了。

原来，有时候，一朵白云的阴影也会让人窒息。。。

一切事与愿违。。。

回忆和时间

对不起，这里已经被我忽略而变得荒芜了，杂草已经丛生。时间过得太快，让我难以置信。

我想起蔡智恒写过的一段话：

“回忆是件沉重的事，跟思念一样，也是有重量的。回忆是时间的函数，但时间的方向永远朝后，回忆的方向却一定往前。两者都只有一个方向，但方向却相反。”

时间过得越快，回忆也跟着走得更快。

我需要停下来，来找回回忆，即使是几秒钟也好。

2007

新年伊始，一切又即将周而复始。必需和必须调整的是态度，是心情，是观点。

2007 年会是精彩的一年，至少我是这么认为的。时间要怎么过，其实只能由自己定夺。大家一起加油吧！

Dead Week

这个星期大学称为 Dead Week ，好贴切。

Dead Week 过了，我们都还活着，算是不错，还是吊诡？

活过 Dead Week 后，下个星期才是真正的挑战，我不知道我是不是能熬过。。。

~~~~~~~~~~

不过，至少还能期待墨西哥的到来。。。

Cock & Nipples @ Oahu

时空开始错乱，眼前明明是枯树落叶我却看成是夏威夷的茂密绿荫。虽然夏威夷让我失望，我现在却想念起夏威夷 Oahu 北岸的惊涛骇浪，还有在上面驰骋的冲浪好手，还有我们懵懂傻乎乎在 Waikiki 学习冲浪，结果是我们的伤痕累累，还有因此而来的荒谬，当然还有过去五天的无理取闹，大家叫彼此“cock” 多过自己的名字，就连“nipples” 也可以成为五天乐此不疲滔滔不绝的话题。

这样无厘头的日子好象很难在近日重现。

夏威夷

离开学校开往机场的途中，心赫然飘了起来。原来只要离开那块懊人的田地，也能找回昔日的光景，找回曾经的快乐。

只可惜，夏威夷并没有想象中的漂亮，没有想象中的写意。就连曾经顺其自然铁定以为夏威夷草裙就是用草做的事实，也被推翻。一切仿佛一场梦，人生根本是幻觉。

睡觉。。。

我的眼睛现在比铅还重。我已经好久好久没有正常的睡眠了。

我要睡觉，我需要睡觉，我更须要睡觉。。。:(

内在特质

秋天了，明媚的阳光终究阻挡不了树叶的飘零。YJ 那天问：“为什么天气不冷，树叶还会枯萎？”我一时答不出，后来想了想，这或许是因为树的内在特质吧。就好像我窗外的常青树，现在还是树叶茂密的。不是每棵树都会卸下夏装的。而树的特质是不能或很难改变的。

说到特质，这所学校的特质或许就在于学术和研究的水准之高，我们都快招架不住了，而学校的这个内在特质，我们当然也没有办法改变。所以，我们只好试图赶上、追上，希望自己不要落后，幸运的话，当然渴望能赶在别人前头，这是我们大家都觊觎的。

只是，有时事与愿违，崩溃似乎离我很近。只能怪自己在已经忙到晕头转向的日常课业外，又找了这么多额外的、不必要的工作（钱和荣耀当然是主要的推动力）。加油吧，大家。

简单的快乐

很多时侯，快乐不需要拥有金钱或豪华的奢侈品也能感受得到。

简单的东西就能让我快乐一整天。一本好书、一小杯 Cappucino、甚至寥寥几句再简单不过的字眼，也会让我高兴一整天。

上个星期的某一天，J 在 MSN 上跟我说，我们班的 X 要结婚了，乍听之下，当然是惊，然后才渐渐感受到喜，而这喜却陪了我一整天。隔天，W 也特地发了电邮给我告知同样的消息，又让我乐了好久好久。

认识七年的高中朋友要结婚了，自然是喜事。七年后的今天，大家还那么关心彼此，我觉得更值得开心。

唯一的遗憾是，我只能告诉 J 和 W，我无法出席 X 的典礼。

错过

“错过太阳时，你只顾哭泣，那么你也会错过星星。”这是诗人泰戈尔说的，我忘了我是什么时候把这句话写在我的笔记本里，现在竟然能给我一点安慰。

后来，翻啊翻，又翻到自己摘录自几米作品的话：“我们错过了诺亚方舟，错过了铁达尼号，错过了一切的惊险与不惊险，我们还要继续错过。”

我还在这两个极端中游走，细细咀嚼这两句话的涵义，但我想我还是比较贴近几米的，虽然我希望我会像泰戈尔多一点。

旅行的欲望，再次蠢蠢欲动

寂静的布拉格广场 （摄于2005年12月15日）


Charles Bridge in Prague（摄于2005年12月17日）


去年冬天的 Cesky Krumlov （摄于2005年12月17日）


Cesky Krumlov 的美让我们都屏息了好久好久。（摄于2005年12月17日）


我偶然想起林一峰那首叫做《重回布拉格》的歌，突然间唤起我在布拉格 （Prague） 的种种美好回忆。我想我这辈子也无法忘记飘着细细雪花中的布拉格广场，当然还有似乎只有在童话故事里才存在的唯美小镇 Cesky Krumlov。随着时间的流逝，Stanford 让我觉得越来越沉闷，越来越无趣。乍看之下，校园很漂亮，看久了也就腻了，当然我非常清楚明年的今天，我又会埋怨我多么想念在 Stanford 里的一草一木，一景一物。

原来，只有离开后才会发现，我真的很喜欢欧洲，过去三年来能在欧洲辗转游走算是很幸运的了。以前，欧洲国家旅行多了，甚至很多次嫌欧洲各国大同小异，此时此刻的我，却越来越想念欧洲，想念欧洲的典雅景色，想念欧洲高贵的街道，想念欧洲的风味小吃，想念欧洲人的气质，更想念欧洲旅行的方便。

如今来到美国，这里幅员辽阔，公共交通的很不方便，大大削弱了在这里游走的兴致。看了看飞往欧洲的机票价格，有的比在美国内陆飞行还要便宜，出走的欲望再次蠢蠢欲动。

这是吊诡，还是矛盾，我还在学习琢磨。

～～～～～

《重回布拉格》　　词曲：林一峰

重回布拉格 没有变的古城
经过繁忙繁忙咖啡店 像看到你背影但我很清醒
为了想起当天某些事 还是设法放弃当天某人
心里尚有遗憾未免难尽兴

我可有为你哭 但这冲动太可笑
随著夜行列车远离 已忘掉细节的分秒
我只记著最好 在我心内你永不老
至少天气未转好 尚有公路我可拥抱

设法掌握得到的事 还是说句再见偏偏太迟
失散後你的叹息言犹在耳

你可会为我哭 但这奢望太可笑
越过麦田夜空飞行中 还掂记谁的心跳
再不见面也好 但这心事你可知道
我应该笑著回忆 你让这生命再不枯燥
至少天气还算好 下一站永不知道

Full Moon on the Quad & Mid Autumn Festival

Full Moon on the Quad (FMOTQ) - one of Stanford's biggest events of the year - was held last Saturday night.

Held on exactly the same night 9000 miles away was another vaguely familiar event called Mid Autumn Festival (MAF) at Hwa Chong.

The nature of FMOTQ and MAF was obviously vastly different, but I suppose there is one and only one reason for attending, as Robert Crook - a Stanford student - aptly summed up on October 9's "Stanford Daily":

"Why did we, a collection of different people with different interests, decide to band together and share this experience? Was it for the kissing? ...... Was it the music? ...... Was it a lack of better things to do?......

......The nature of this X factor remained unclear to me until about halfway through K. Flay's performance, when familiar faces began materializing out of the ether. One, then two, then three and four and five and six -- before I knew it, I was surrounded by people I had seen every day of freshman year. Our exchanges were unintelligible, our mannerisms flamboyant, our collective reason for being there now boneheadedly obvious: We went there to be there. Being there. Being there in the company of others, in the middle of something bigger than ourselves, embracing the idiosyncrasies of university life. That's the source of magic behind events like Full Moon and even, one could argue, behind the Stanford Experience."

But most faces around me on Saturday were unfamiliar. In actual fact, I am still struggling to remember their names and match their names with their faces (even though all are Singaporeans). I felt a tinge of homesickness then and there. I miss the Left Wing and Right Wing. I miss the mass dances. I miss the Wushu performance. I miss going to Sixth Avenue for icecream after MAF...

The last time I attended MAF was like ages ago - I can't even remember which year. When will I be able to attend MAF again?

“稍微比较轻松但也轻松不到哪里去”的课

过去两天，下了雨，是这里半年来的第一场雨。温度突然拉得好低，完全不像印象中的 California。心也开始冷了。

我的资料越堆越高，有一门课程的功课出奇得多，每堂课之前须要读几百页的资料，然后得写一份 Response Paper。也就是说，每周有两堂课，上课之前得读到眼花缭乱后，再写两份 Paper，而且每份 Paper 都算分（所以，这门 10 星期的课要写 20 份的 Response Paper），还有 Mid-term 考试和 Final 考试，还有一个两天的 Conference，外加一份额外的 Research Paper，通通算分。朋友向教授讨价还价，说能不能每周只写一篇 Paper，教授想也不想说了不。教授说，既然我们能考进这间 S-字头大学，学术能力一定不差。

我只想刮教授一巴掌，这里每位教授以为学生每学期只上他的一个课程，时间多得是。我实在想在教授面前大声喊：“我不只上你的课，我还有其他教授的课。”

于是，我不行了，只好放弃这门课，选修其他“稍微比较轻松但也轻松不到哪里去”的课。

结果，我还不是每周要读 1000+++ 页的资料？

天啊，开学只不过两个星期罢了，我的睡眠时间已经从两星期前的 8 小时减少到昨天的 5 小时。我暂时不允许“论文”一词进入生活中，否则日子会更难过。

幸福，是在自己手中的。

开学一个星期了，发现之前写的 “怎么也看不出大学的高压在哪里” 那段话应该收回去。昨天算了算我每个星期究竟有几页 readings 要读，统计后的数字叫我咋舌。加加减减后，总页数竟然有四位数。把眼光放远一点，这个学期总共有十星期，所以届时学期结束后，总阅读页数将多达一万多页。这还不包括准备论文的资料。。。我想我会死得很漂亮。。。

现在每读一个字，我就越想不过去。。。想着如果我是念心理学的话，我会开心几万倍，要我读几百万页的资料，我也不会介意。

开不开心，其实只能由自己决定。幸福是掌控在自己手中的。

我只希望，我能尽快看开。。。

美酒 ＋ 美景 ＋ 美天气

蓝天无云的绝佳天气


喝了酒，我们是不是很开心满足呢？


我们前几天随性在吃完晚餐后说周末要到酿酒厂品尝美酒，结果偌大的校园不能抵制我们出走的欲望，我们七个人上周末真的自己开车去了酿酒厂，而且我们不只参观一家酿酒厂，而是一口气拜访了四五家酿酒厂。

美国最佳酿酒之地就在加利福尼亚州，其红酒和白酒的质地不逊色于来自法国 Bordeaux 的酒。既然来到这里念书，似乎没有什么任何理由能阻止我们彳亍于葡萄园之间，享受在蓝天无云的绝佳天气下品尝一等美酒的自在写意。

从校园到 Millbrae 小休吃点心午餐，然后往旧金山开去，一路向北，路途起了浓浓的雾。我想起（和想念）伦敦早晨的朦胧雾，原来旧金山也和伦敦一样会常常起雾。车离开了山锁雾，便来到了常在旅游杂志上看到的壮观的金门大桥。我从来没有到过著名的金门大桥，我们也没有打算特地绕道去金门大桥看看，可是无独有偶，我们车内的 GPS 系统告诉我们要抵达 Sonoma Wine Country 就得过金门大桥。

过桥前，过桥时，过桥后的桥旁风景本来就很秀丽，现在因为袅袅而升的雾而增添丝丝的神秘色彩，更加绚丽多姿。

还没品尝到美酒，我们已经被沿途风景给迷醉了，像我第一次到巴黎一样被铁塔给迷住了，久久不想离开。

过了金门大桥简直就是另一片天地，美国幅员辽阔显然易见，开着车，把车窗拉低，让风穿过头发轻拂脸庞，骤然感到就连美国的空气也是很自由的。

之后，我们品尝了大概有二十多种酒，喝地很尽兴，也阔气买了几瓶酒，其中大概那瓶 Cabernet Sauvignon 最香醇，最浓郁，真的是好酒一瓶，价钱当然不菲，一瓶要50美元，但我们还是买了下来。=)

（从酿酒厂买酒比较便宜，这样的美酒在外面的价格随随便便超过一百美元，而且不一定找得到。）

“醉翁之意不在酒，在乎山水之间也。山水之乐，得之心而寓之酒也。”我们拥有了美景加美酒加很美的天气，还能要求什么呢？

不知道 Big Ben 何时再为我鸣响？

S 曾经说过 Stanford 像是个巨大的高压釜，可是我们到现在却怎么也看不出大学的高压在哪里。或许是高压釜的盖现在暂时掀开，所以一切阳光明媚，轻松自在。California-式的典型绚丽天气实在美妙诱人，很多人穿着 T 恤和百慕达骑着脚踏车或是溜滑轮代步，也有很多人为了迎新而办烧烤会，委实像豪华度假村多过庄严的学术殿堂。。。

我已经不由自主地爱上 Stanford 了，虽然爱上却有点哀伤。。。此时此刻，我更想念的是伦敦以及伦敦的一切。。。Hampstead，Hampstead Heath，Hampstead Crepes，Ben's cookies。。。真的不知道 Big Ben 要等到什么时候才能再次为我鸣响。。。

是不是吊诡，拭目以待

不得不承认，我们消耗很多的时间，很多的精力，当然还有很多的金钱，从这个地方，搬到那个地方，再迁来迁去，甚至用身体的健康和安危交换许许多多的自讨苦吃，终于迁徙到这里来了。结果，我上星期天在教堂被一名洋人的问题给怔住了。

“你千里迢迢离开自己的国家，到这里来就是研究自己的文化，你不觉得很吊诡吗？”

我不加思索说：“这样，视角才会不同。”

是不是这样，接下来几个月自有分晓。

活该

总认为事情要到最后才能看出端倪，所以我总习惯把很多事情拖到最后刹那才去处理，只能说自己自讨苦吃，自己活该。。。

Free

My US hosts for the Stanford Homestay Program, Don and Mary, sent me several emails - they sounded very friendly, offering to pick me up at San Francisco Airport (haha... I can save at least US$20 for the trip), offering to drive me all around prior to the start of school (save more money), and also free accommodation in their house (yet, more savings!):

"Our home is located about six miles from the campus. While you are with us, we will be glad to drive you back and forth and to take time to acquaint you with this area. We think it is one of the nicest places in the country, so expect to hear us brag about it occasionaly! (Don't expect us to be similarly enthusiastic about our government!)...

...Both of us are retired school teachers. Mary taught middle-school students in Redwood City for many years; during those same years I taught high school chemistry in Palo Alto. We have enjoyed the opportunity to do a lot of traveling to many parts of the world. One of our enjoyable experiences was a visit of several days to Singapore, almost thirty years ago. On a number of our trips, we were able to become re-acquainted with former students whom we had hosted while they were attending Stanford or other local schools."

I can't wait to leave Singapore. After living abroad for 3 years (plus 1 more year), I wonder how I'm going to survive in mundane Singapore for possibly the next 6 years. :(

~~~~~
*My plan to visit Peru is still ongoing. Anybody interested?

还有九天

我从伦敦搬回来的行李，还没有 unpack，现在却要开始收拾美国的行李。

每年都是这样的情况，去年更糟，只有两三天的时间收拾。

今年算是很好了～～我还有九天的时间，买课本，买吃的，买用的，买喝的，买读的。

班机已确定，就在下星期五，会在 Seoul 的仁川国际机场转机，预计中午时分抵达旧金山（San Francisco）。

我从来没有坐过这样长时间的飞机，十九个小时，怎么耐？

～～～
＊死报馆始终不肯给我搭新航，最后没办法，只好自己外加差不多 300 块钱，订了新航。:(

明天最后

蔡副总刚刚笑着问我：“今天最后一天吗？”

我笑回说：“没有。明天。”

“那么，几时飞？”

“两个礼拜后。”

然后，他的眼镜睁得好大好大。

我大概明白他的意思。

还好

还有四天，工作就结束了。

我须要喘息的空间和时间，还好，我还有两个星期休息的时间。

我要去很多地方。

就等这四天过后。

朋友，不是要有就有的。

刚过去的周末有两个聚会，算是不错了，至少今年还有时间和精力和多一点朋友见面，而且都是很多年没有见面的朋友，本来还有点内疚和惭愧，可是见了面之后，时光仿佛倒流到我们认识的那个时候。

＊聚会（一）

星期六，本来约好和他们吃晚餐，可是做工所消耗的体力是无与伦比的大，结果懒得出门。然后晚上 10 点，WD 打了电话给我，说他们在等我，内疚感加倍，还是出门露个面比较好。结果，我们七个人一见面，就天南地北。后来，剩下四个人，从 Marina Square 转移阵地到 Bras Basah 的 McDonalds 不知不觉地聊到凌晨三点半。就连从澳洲回来的 GL 也说，我们这次好像是第一次聊到那么久。可是我们一点倦意也没有。

我们七个人从学生时代因为帮报馆拍照而认识，现在我们都没有再帮报馆拍照了。WY 还说她的镜头发霉了，哈哈，JX 说他的 dry pack 也坏了。今非昔比，我们都知道，不过还是有话题聊，骂早报的那几个高层如何还是那么死板，八卦某某某还是一样会拍马屁……哦 JX 明年要结婚了，祝福他。我们那段曾经一起搞摄影展的时光还是我比较刻骨铭心的，毕竟那时我只有 16 岁，以后，我们还有合作的机会吗？

＊聚会（二）

星期天，这是小学朋友的聚会，本来以为只有那几位，可是万万没有想到整整 12 年没有见面的小学朋友也来了，又惊又喜。是的，12 年，提到这个数字，感觉好像好久好久，但是聊起小学发生的事时，一切又历历在目，大家回味无穷。

谁谁谁坐在谁谁谁的旁边？哪个老师听写不及格会把作业本子丢到课室外？放学后喜欢在学校对面的小店买玩具，然后不想回家，跑去某人的家聚会玩 street fighter？到谁的家做 project 的时候，谁的父母会特别照顾我们？谁和谁曾经在班上打架，闹得满班风云？谁和谁每天早上要去 TAF Club 被老师叫去做额外的运动减轻体重？谁家住哪里，门牌几号，旧家的电话号码是什么竟然还有人记得？等等等……

这是一种很微妙的感觉。岁月不饶人无所谓，反正大家都无恙，而且一切还算顺利，这样就够了，做人始终要懂地惜福。以后，我们还会再保持联络的，不是吗？

人与人之间的关系是由缘分主导的，这是我一直以来的信念。

朋友，不是要有就有的。

要不要打瞌睡，再看着办

大学的资料一份又一份慢慢地送来，我看到眼花缭乱。一年要念完两年的课程，是可以做到的，H. M. 一直这么跟我说。课程选择很多，琳琅满目，可是，我看到大多数的课程题目，就要打瞌睡，什么"Japanese Politics and Political Economy", "China in World Politics", "Chinese Politics: The Transformation and the Eras of Reform", "The US and Asia During the Cold War", "US-China Relations: From the Opium War to Tiananmen", "Meiji Japan"……这些课程我大概是会选修，还没真正读，单看题目就想睡觉。其他课程好像比较有趣，比如"Marriage and Kinship", "The Japanese Tea Ceremony: The History, Aesthetics, and Politics Behind a National Pastime", "East Asian Cinema", "Lives of the Samurai"等等，这些好像没有多大用处，要读也是读爽的。

到底怎么选，到了那边再看着办。

工作小插曲

很多朋友问为什么这么久没有 update blog 了，刚刚 log-in Blogger 的网站，才发现真的，已经超过一个月没有写了。我只能说，不好意思，真的没时间，没精力，做工的时间虽然飞逝而过，下班后就不想再用脑写东西了。

这一个多月以来，一切还算顺利，只不过前几天发生了一段我从来没有想过会发生的工作小插曲，目前我还是看不出我到底错在哪里，请了各位主任给我意见，还在等待中。深江说或许我没错，或许真的是我判断出了错误，但总是个学习的经验，他还没仔细看我的文章，所以没办法给予确实的看法，只好耐心等待……慧玲也这么说，相信也会给我宝贵的意见，读者的投诉不是没有道理，只是我不完全同意……有结论再 update 吧。

I'm still alive.

To those who frequent my blog:

我还活着。有空再写。

I’m still alive.  Will write soon when I’m free.

Moving woes

Ok, it must be me. My I-20 form has finally been settled only after 4 weeks. Now I’m stuck at the SEVIS I-901 fee payment, which I paid very early on 16th June, and after 13 days, it still has not been processed. Hey, I paid electronically, not via cheque sent by slow regular mail. What is wrong with the efficiency of the US immigration? Or maybe it is just me.

And so, I cannot proceed onto the ACTUAL visa application. There are 4 forms - DS-156, DS-157, DS-158 and SGP V-4 - to fill in which should not be a problem since this process only involves me. Then, I need to get a cashier’s order from the bank for the visa fee (another fee!!!), since the embassy accepts no other forms of payment, not even debit or credit card or even cash. What is wrong with them?

And then I realise I need to retake my passport photos, since the US immigration only accepts photos that are exactly 2 inches by 2 inches. What the hell.

And so, without the US visa, my 2 boxes to the US are stuck at the UK depot, and so I cannot settle all payment for the shipment and so I cannot close my UK bank accounts before I leave the UK. My 3 boxes to Singapore are already on their way home, and I sent all 5 boxes at the same time. What the fuck.

And to top it all up, my toothache is coming back.

What a great summer!

And what a great way to say goodbye to London!

整理三年

整理收拾了一个星期还没整理收拾完，三年内累积的东西比想象中的还要多。

已经不忍心丢了很多，也送了很多，还是剩下一大堆。

没办法，三年的点点滴滴怎么能在几天内就草草收拾完毕呢？

所以，我得忍着牙痛（和心痛）把回家的日期再度延迟。

明天不回岛国了。

Packing Pangs

Packing pangs have officially set in. I am truly amazed by how much stuff I’ve accumulated in three years. I had 4 big boxes (120 kg) at the end of year 1, and 6 boxes (180 kg) by the end of year 2. I’m definite I have more rubbish than last year, maybe 8 boxes (240 kg) now?

I cannot afford to keep everything and ship everything home or to America, though I want to. It’s either throwing into bins, or giving to friends, or donating to charity. Hopefully I’ll end up with just 4 boxes.

I know I’ll eventually get through all these packing woes. I just need time. And patience.


*By the way, we queued for 50 minutes to get crepes just now and the creperie boss unexpectedly said to me, “It’s you again! You come everyday!” In actual fact, I haven’t been to eat crepes for 3 weeks. I’ll miss the crepes. I’m 101% sure I can’t find any other crepes in the world better than Hampstead’s. :(

离开

我真的不想离开，也不知道如何离开。三年一晃而过，时光怎么荏苒也无须多说，大家都心知肚明。只希望在伦敦的最后几天，能好好和大家说再见。

我知道我离开以后，我会再回来，这或许就足够了。

Only my tooth can decide.

There are pros and cons in life. One cannot expect to be lucky all the time.

Provisional results were out, and I was just a few thousandths of a percentage less than the first and second positions and could have done *just* slightly better to get the prize of 200 pounds. But I’m happy nevertheless to come third in the cohort. =)

Switzerland was awesome, Madrid was not bad either. But I had to cancel my 8-days Scotland trip starting tomorrow, because of an excruciating toothache (so much more painful than the wisdom teeth) which has been put under control with a strong dose of antibiotics, forfeiting the train tickets and hostel reservation charges (which thankfully did not exceed 40 pounds in total). I had to choose to part with 450 pounds to have my nerve at the root of my tooth removed in London, or to go back home earlier to get the ache sorted out at a much cheaper price. So, I might be back in humid Singapore as early as next week, currently booked on the flight SQ319 on 24th June, next Saturday. Hopefully, I can endure the pain and extend my stay in London and leave on 7th July as initially planned, but I seriously doubt so.

Stella said I can stay as long as I want. Yes I want to, but I have no choice. I don’t want to leave London. Only my tooth can decide now.

Oh well...

Final exams have ended two days ago, and I’m really really really glad that the 3 weeks are now over. A frustrating revision period reading the stuff which I like and which I know I cannot continue to pursue. Glorious sunshine that afternoon lifted my mood for a while. But sunshine and happiness is fleeting - it’s now surprisingly getting cold and dreary yet again on a Saturday afternoon today, with the grey clouds hanging unbelievably low in the sky, not like spring, but more like autumn.

I had some time to rest after exams, and I gave myself a few hours off that afternoon after the finalists’ party. I worked so hard, though some exams could have been better in my opinion. But grades don’t really matter much to me now. What’s the difference between getting a First Class Honours and a Second Upper now? Maybe afterall, I’m not fated to go to Stanford to do Masters in a totally different field - Stanford rejected my I-20 request (a required certificate for student visa application) not once, but three times (and it’s still not settled yet). Is God telling me to follow my interest in Psychology?

Walking alone under glorious sunshine (20 degrees that day!) from Euston to Russell Square to Holborn to Covent Garden to Leicester Square to Trafalgar Square, down Whitehall to Big Ben, after which I sat at Parliament Square for 30 minutes writing a letter to my professor, in which I vented my frustrations. I felt so happy and so free that moment. Free in a bustling London.

What’s done has been done and cannot be undone. I’ll just leave everything to fate. And yes, I still need to talk to that bastard at Stanford to sort out my I-20. Americans don’t seem to understand proper English. Oh well…

Summer!

Four more days to my last exam, and I’ll be set free!

Summer plans have been more or less confirmed. I’ll be backpacking in Switzerland, Spain and Scotland (hmm… now I realise that they all start with the letter S), before leaving London permanently on the night of July 7th (so that I can attend the memorial service that day). That’s less than 2 months to say goodbye to everyone here. =(

And then I’ll rest for 1.5 days before starting work on July 10th for 2 months. News desk posting has just been confirmed - and this is the first time I’m actually looking forward to working (this is my 5th internship). Well, it’s a new paper, so maybe not much constraints.

And then, I’ll have a break for maybe 1 week before heading to California. Not that excited, surprisingly.

It’s time to return to books now. After Thursday, it’s goodbye to personality, goodbye to emotions, goodbye to memory mechanisms, goodbye to cognition, goodbye to neuroscience, goodbye to mental illness; and it’s hello China, hello Korea, hello Japan, hello politics, hello history, hello economics... Not looking forward but whatever.

I should have known better...

I should be happy when Harvey wrote me a letter a few days ago, saying that the department is submitting my dissertation for publication in the academic journal, although Harvey said “there is no guarantee that papers we submit will be accepted.”

Lagnado said to me that would be excellent and “you would have something to put on your CV.”

I should be happy, but I’m not.

Instead, I am plainly frustrated.

Haggard said he’s willing to do anything that helps, within his capabilities that can get me out of the bond, so that I can continue PhD in Psychology.

Ah well, I should have known better when I signed my name on that piece of paper 5 years ago. I’ve given up.

Like Harvey said, the accepted publication would probably only “remind me of your time as a psychologist.”

I don’t know what to reply to them.

Amazed

I am truly amazed today by the people who walked out of the exam hall 30 minutes after the exam started. Either their writing speed is phenomenal, or they just couldn’t be bothered (the latter sounds more likely), which is good news for the rest for us. I mean I wrote 16 pages (no line spacing) in 3 hours -- yes my right hand is still trembling now -- and I still couldn’t finish what I want to answer. How can they finish 3 essays in 30 minutes? Yeah, good, these people should all fail. Yah, I’m evil and sadistic. But I need the first class honours. Let the competition begin. All who have shown efforts (at least all of us who sat through 3 hours) should all be rewarded.

On another note, I still can’t believe forensic psychology came out on the clinical psychology exam today. What’s wrong with the lecturers?

Terminal

Terminal

I have officially reached the terminal stage of exam preparations.

First, I left my thumb-drive in Lab 1, only realising after I got out of the building. (This has never happened to me.)

Then I walked past my Dutch classmate in DMS Watson, only knowing it’s her after she stopped me. (This has never happened as well.)

So, if you see me on the streets and I’m ignoring you, it’s not that I want to ignore you, but my mind just somehow gets dissociated from my body. I’m just too engrossed in don’t-know-what and fail to notice you consciously.

On another note, you know you are ready when you can spot mistakes on lecture handouts. Give me any question and I’ll give you flawless essays, I wish.

我真的不知道

我真的不知道

时间所剩无几。
他们都说现在辛苦是值得的。
天啊。75% 不是开玩笑。
连老板都说：“功课要紧，一个月交也没问题。”
我真的不知道。
我从来没有这样不肯定。
我真的不知道。
我有种不详的感觉。
我真的不知道。

I'm getting a newspaper column, or hopefully...

Seriously, I initially thought my editor sent the email to the wrong person, but after reading the entire email, it turns out it's addressed to me. No errors.

I've been invited to write a commentary column every fortnight for the new Chinese daily due to circulate in June 1st.

It came as a surprise, or should I say shock. I admit when I start work offcially, I do yearn a personal column where I can just rant anything. This came a bit too early, but I suppose it's a good sign. =)

What makes me more excited is I can write about anything, no restrictions except for the usual you-know-what. And since this is a new paper, there doesn't seem to be too much rules to conform to like those in traditional Zaobao.

As my editor wrote: "我们在乎的是看法，表达上可以稍微个人一点......我们的言论不会像早报这么正统、严肃，可以允许稍微偏离主流的调子......尽管写来吧，不要有太大的负担。"

I need to crack my brain soon... haha... what if, eventually the things I write are all crap that can't be published...

(Exams are more important now.)

Wicked London

It's an irony. I was desperately pushing SPH to confirm my Masters just last week, and when they finally did, I'm more relieved than happy actually. So the harsh conclusion now is: my days in London are numbered, and the more I think of this, the more I am not looking forward to going to America. How can three years just zoom past like that? There are still so many things I haven't done and seen yet. Well, there's absolutely no way that I can attend my graduation ceremony, because it clashes with damn SPH's internship. So, I'm trying to prolong my stay in London in the coming summer as long as possible now, tentatively after July 7th, leaving me 6 weeks after exams to say goodbye to wicked London. Don Mclean's "Streets of London" inevitably sprung up to mind:

"So how can you tell me you're lonely,
And say for you that the sun don't shine?
Let me take you by the hand and lead you through the streets of London
I'll show you something to make you change your mind"

Billy

Billy

Ok, I admit I am obsessed with Billy now. In less than 24 hours after watching the musical, I bought myself another ticket (55 pounds) on the last day of my exams.

Another song, besides Electricity, that has been on replay mode since that night: =)

Dear Billy [Billy’s Reply]

BILLY:
And please, Mammy…
know that I will always be
proud to have known you
proud that you were mine
Proud in everything…
And I promise you this, Mammy.

BILLY:
In everything I do
I’ll always be myself,

MUM:
In everything you do
Always be yourself

BILLY:
Mammy.
And I always will be true.

MUM:
Love you forever.

BILLY:
Love you forever.

MUM:
Love you forever.

BILLY:
Mam.
Bye Mam.

Electrifying Billy Elliot!

I thought I needed to do something except than studying, since this is the first Easter holiday that I am staying in London and not going anywhere for holiday.

So, I finally saw Billy Elliot The Musical yesterday night, and it was electrifying! The film version was already very good, but the musical was way better. The ticket wasn’t cheap but it’s definitely worth every penny. (And it was difficult to get hold of a ticket last minute as well.) So, I have decided I am going to watch Billy Elliot again before I leave London for good, which is probably the best way to say goodbye to the West End and London.

All the Billys are only 10-12-year-old kids, and it’s really amazing how such young boys can act and dance and sing for 3 hours 3 times a week. One can just tell how much hard work the boys and the entire cast and backstage crew has put in. I am truly impressed.

I incidentally found this video on youtube, showing Liam Mower as Billy Elliot singing Electricity, which was one of the scenes in the musical sold out every night. (Apart from missing his cue and forgetting the first few words of the song, Liam was fantastic and this was exactly what I saw yesterday. Obviously, it was better seeing Liam right before your eyes.) There’s another scene of Billy flying on the stage, which was the most electrifying I think, but not shown on this video.

Enjoy.

(When can I be as free as Billy???)



Electricity ~~ Lyrics by Lee Hall, Music by Elton John

I can’t really explain it, I haven’t got the words
It’s a feeling that you can’t control
I suppose it’s like forgetting, losing who you are
And at the same time something makes you whole
It’s like that there’s a music playing in your ear
And I’m listening, and I’m listening and then I disappear

And then I feel a change
Like a fire deep inside
Something bursting me wide open impossible to hide
And suddenly I’m flying, flying like a bird
Like electricity, electricity
Sparks inside of me
And I’m free I’m free

It’s a bit like being angry, it’s a bit like being scared
Confused and all mixed up and mad as hell
It’s like when you’ve been crying
And you’re empty and you’re full
I don’t know what it is it’s hard to tell
It’s like that there’s a music playing in your ear
But the music is impossible impossible to hear
But then I feel it move me
Like a burning deep inside
Something bursting me wide open impossible to hide
And suddenly I’m flying, flying like a bird
Like electricity, electricity
Sparks inside of me
And I’m free I’m free
Electricity, sparks inside of me
And I’m free, I’m free
I’m free

California!

Finally, it's been confirmed!

Californication?

OK, I was bored while studying, so was surfing the web and chanced upon this video of the university's main quad. Isn't the campus just gorgeous? (See video below though its not really well taken, but the campus is still lovely.) I'm getting more and more frustrated with the company. The deadline is next Saturday, and they have yet to decide. And so, it turns out that I have to accept both universities, just in case. I've already gave in by relinquishing Psychology. I'm going to make a big fuss if they do not allow me to go to California.

Choice & Approval

Choice & Approval

I’ve finally made my choice.

Now, I’m just waiting for SPH to approve.

Hope all goes well.

Ben’s

Ben’s

房间堆了 15 盒 Marks & Spencer 的 Triple Chocolate Crunch （备考需要大量能量，每两天就可以吃完一盒），还不满足。结果，又跑去买了一盒买五送二的 Ben’s cookies 。我在想，在多三个月，就要和吃了三年的 Ben’s 和 Hampstead crepes 说再见，真的不知道如何是好。刚发现美国只有 Salt Lake City 有 Ben’s ，虽然如此，以后总不能像现在一样走路到 Ben’s 就可以吃到了。或许，我是应该选比较靠近 Ben’s 的大学。西岸比较靠近吧？

曙光

曙光

温度终于升级到两位数。伦敦的大学生涯明天正式结束。考试战役随即展开。一切也（几乎）尘埃落定。不过，我还在踯躅犹豫，旧金山，还是曼哈顿，我知道我迟早会看见曙光。

What's the point?

What’s the point?

I decided to take a break and turned on the TV after reading Brewin’s DR Theory of Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Coincidentally, Channel 4 was showing the documentary “The Falling Man” on the September 11th tragedy.

“There’s no blood, there’s no guts, it’s just a man falling,” a survivor said in response to Richard Drew’s photograph of the falling man, after which he broke down.

“It was more than grief,” the program described the psychological impact the trauma had on the survivors…

Then everything I had read just flood back… SAM and VAM, HPA axis, amygdala, LeDoux’s findings, flashbacks, EMDR, imaginal rescripting, Foa’s theory… I was surprisingly able to relate all these to the program…

But what’s the point?

I realise I am still extremely frustrated at not being able to do what I really want after finishing my psychology degree.

What’s the point of knowing how to carry out cognitive behaviour therapy? What’s the point of knowing that benzodiazepines can quell some PTSD symptoms? What’s the point of knowing the differences between Type I trauma and Type II trauma? What’s the point?

I feel like giving up…

More than 8 months

More than 8 months

Time flies. This has been my desktop picture for more than 8 months.

I really really really miss Peru.

I'm looking forward to re-visiting it next year, or even this December if I do decide to go to the US for Masters. Hopefully plans will work out. :)

Viva Peru!

Classic shot at Machu Picchu

To maintain

To maintain

I know I need to only repeat my second-year performance, and I’ll be on cloud nine.

But I now realise that it is extremely difficult and demanding to maintain abilities.

It’s still possible, I guess.

I still have time.

Bad and good news all in one day

Bad and good news all in one day

Two pieces of news came today.

The bad one came first, in the afternoon.

I got rejected from my 1st choice.

Obviously, I was disappointed the whole day.

Till 5 minutes ago.

Another email came from my 2nd choice, which I thought would be another bad one, since all I had received so far were bad news.

“You were accepted into the M.A. program.”

On second thought, could it be a typo?

I’ll wait for the official letter to come.

谢谢

谢谢

大家都说没关系。H 说：“忘了吧，更好的还没来。”但愿如此。谢谢大家的关心。

哦，H 说他在五月要回来伦敦度假，这才发现，九个月已经过去了，好快。期待我们的相聚。

一切恢复平庸

一切恢复平庸

原来，失望和忧郁是可以区分开来的。

说不失望，的确，只失望了十分钟，却闷闷不乐了一整天。

于是，老天也为我哀悼，阳光明媚的大晴天，气温并不太低，有摄氏五六度，却忽然飘起细雪，下了几分钟，而且只在 Hampstead。

尤其凄美。

我知道我需要的是一个人的心灵静谧。

所以，晚上一个人跑去看一直想看的 The Producers （这个月的第四出音乐剧）。

郁闷在三小时的喜剧后，烟消云散。

走出剧场，特意经过最喜欢的 Covent Garden ，格外清爽。

一切恢复平庸。

＊顺便说，直到昨晚，我才知道我会多么想念伦敦的夜。

OK, 没关系

OK, 没关系

OK ，第一封信来了。

准确一点，应该是电邮。

先前对这所大学并不抱着太大的希望，所以失望也不大。

信上说它们得挽拒 7000 多人，是在安慰被拒的人吗？

“…the very high number of extraordinary candidates among our 8,000 applicants far exceeds the number of places we have in each program, and we are not able to admit many excellent candidates.”

没关系，还有四所大学。

沁人

沁人

外头零下三度，我在浴缸泡了不算久的半小时热水澡，满室朦胧，在镜子上任意涂鸦，然后躺在绒垫里，边看着无聊的喜剧，边一口气吃了半罐的 Haagen Dazs 雪糕（上个月买了八罐，现在只剩一罐半）。一个人的空间来得不易，所以伦敦的周末夜晚我索性不外出，就一个人这样静静让星期六悄悄溜走，什么都不做，我很少这样奢侈地消耗时间，不过现在发现由此而来的幸福原来也可以很沁人……

True Joy in Life

True Joy in Life

I stumbled on this paragraph minutes ago again, a paragraph which I copied in my notebook years ago, and yet I still find so much strength in it.


“This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy…

I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as long as I live it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can…

I want to be thoroughly used up when I die. For the harder I work, the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no brief candle to me. It’s a sort of splendid torch which I’ve got a hold of for the moment and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible. Before handing it on to future generations.”


~~ George Bernard Shaw in the Epistle Dedicatory to “Man and Superman” (1903).

This Saturday

This Saturday

I think one of the letters has arrived today. I received a card saying “Urgent Delivery Attempted Today,” from a private US delivery company, but nobody was at home to sign for it. Damn…

But I’ve rearranged a delivery on this Saturday. So I’ll know this Saturday… I’m praying.

怎么了？

怎么了？

我究竟怎么了？
越来越懒。
午夜 12 点不到就自动掉头睡得不清不楚。
白天，眼睛离不开电脑，可是不是在读资料。
要不就盯住电视。

我冬眠太久了。
是时候清醒了。

贯彻始终，期待春天。

强迫症

强迫症

每天登录 Hotmail、Yahoo、Gmail 不少过 20 次。
没有。

每天登录大学的电邮户口不少过 20 次。
没有。

每天查看它们的网站不少过 20 次。
没有。

每天放学回家后等邮差捎信。
还是没有。

这样的日子，已经过了两个星期。

不断上网。
漫长等待。

我等到快要发疯了。

教授说，一定没问题。

可是，究竟还要让我等多久啊？

（强迫症，英文为 Obsessive Compulsive Disorder）

喜宴

喜宴

我们昨天晚上看完 Mamma Mia，在我们的老地方～～新五月花吃宵夜的时候，他终于对我们说了。

“我们要结婚了，在春天较迟的时候。”

这将是我第一次出席朋友的婚礼，也是在伦敦的第一次。

替你们高兴喔！

献给亲爱的 Barney ……

献给亲爱的 Barney ……

回来已经三个星期了，却什么也没有成就。讲议愈叠愈高，读书的兴致却成反比。很想在冬天一直冬眠下去，家里实在太过舒服，很多时候本来要出去，后来却索性赖在床上看英国电视，或者依靠着窗看着三三两两的人到对面的 Hampstead Heath 散步。

赫然才发现我的家从来没有这样清静过。

我想起了 Barney。

Barney 已经离开我们快要一个月了，可是直至今日我还是无法习惯他（注：Barney 比人还有人性，所以用“他”不用“它”。）的不存在。他在狗的天堂一定很快乐。他走的时候是圣诞过后，我在埃及的时候。听 Stella 说，Barney 离开的时候是无忧无虑的，一点痛楚也没有。他就在 Hampstead Heath 习惯性地散步，然后越走越慢，最后停了下来，一动不动，在 Heath 的静谧中悄悄离我们而去。

他走了之后，家里没有人（我都说了 Barney 比人还有人性！）再看着我煮饭烧菜。他走了之后，家里没有人会再陪我看电视。我每次从学校回来的时候，没有他在大门摇着尾巴等候我的归来……

现在仅存的是埋在家里后花园的 Barney 的骨灰。

或许我唯一的遗憾是没有见他最后一面。

在狗年把这篇献给 Barney 。我知道他在天堂会眷顾我们。

永远地想念。

少了市侩多了友善

少了市侩多了友善

原来英国人也可以很友善。上个周末，我们开车到 North Wales 去，在停车场正要买停车票的时候，一位年轻妇女叫住我们，主动并且无条件地把她的车票拿给我们用，结果我们省了一笔钱。少了伦敦人的市侩贪婪，多了热情和友善，这是我们每次离开城市往小镇都能得到的深情款待。在冬天原来也能感受到阵阵暖意。

（哦对了，上周末我们前往 Snowdon 和 返回伦敦的途中又碰巧开车经过牛津……深夜的牛津格外迷人……）

Science is an art...

Science is an art…

Now that I have found the story, non-significance doesn’t bother me too much. Science is an art, Dr. L said. And now, I finally understand why. In fact, this piece of art is becoming more and more appealing to me…

Oxford, yet again

Oxford, yet again.

I have lost count the number of times I went to Oxford, but I’m sure this number is no less than ten. Despite the fact I was there 3 weeks ago on Boxing Day, I agreed instantaneously to my friend’s invitation last Friday. And so, yet again, I went to Oxford 2 days ago.

To Oxford. For lunch and coffee.

I know Oxford like the back of my hand. And there really isn’t anything new for me to explore in that quaint little town. There is simply something indescribable about Oxford that is able to lure me there time after time.

Perhaps it’s the cobblestones that Oscar Wilde once trod on his way to a pub. Perhaps it’s that bench in Merton College on which Tolkien wrote Lord of the Rings. Or maybe it’s Christ Church College which stimulated Lewis Carroll to write Alice in Wonderland. Or maybe its Great Hall, the inspiration of Hogwarts Hall in Harry Potter films.

Whatever it is, I know I will miss Oxford. Soon.

Or even now.

And of course, there is no doubt I will miss Trout Inn and Ben’s cookies.

回来了

回来了

离开了一个多月，最后还是回来了。

我终于去了我一直想去的地方――布拉格、埃及……

要不是开学，我看我会在外面逍遥多几个星期才回来。

世界何其大，怎么看也看不完。

我想，我不介意旅行一辈子。

（有时间的话，会把一些照片放在这里，敬请留意。Nile River 还有 Cesky Krumlov 果然名不虚传，漂亮地让我们屏息。）

如何是好？

如何是好？

当我现在才发现自己要的原来不是五年前以为自己要的，我应该如何是好？