下定义

一直以来很想回顾走过的路，并为自己下定义，现在时间太多，终于做到了，不很详尽，日后想到什么在加加减减。目前，就只有 36 条。

收拾序曲
～～回家之前（三）

面对整室的满目疮痍，我束手无策。但是至少，我已经开始了。很难取舍什么东西要留在伦敦，什么东西要带回岛国，什么东西要扔进垃圾桶里。还有我的很多瓶酒、很多幅画，以及很多旅行的点滴，都不知如何处理。给自己五天的时间收拾九个月累积的有的没的，应该足够吧。

Photos of Chinese New Year 2004 in London uploaded

More photos of Sheffield, Manchester, Old Trafford, Oxford, Belgium, the Netherlands and Germany will be subsequently uploaded.

享受温度
～～回家之前（二）

（还有 7 天）

我实在不知道如何在离开九个月之后，让自己重新适应 35 摄氏度还有湿气 90% 以上的岛国。

我梦见自己在 Changi 入境时会死于呼吸困难导致呼吸管道严重阻塞的一种新型哮喘病。要不，就是中暑死掉。

回家之前，希望能好好享受伦敦 10 到 20 度的柔和，享受在伦敦街头上快步行走也不会流汗的快感。

上天能容许我把伦敦的空气带回岛国那该有多好。

6 月

6 月，回家的季节。
些许的向往，但更多的是害怕和恐惧。
我现在需要的是，
当初离开岛国到达伦敦，
以及独自到德国背包的
勇气。

回到伦敦

飞机在 Stansted 降落，完美的降落，降落时根本不知道飞机已经触碰到陆地。整个机舱的搭客，因此都报以热烈的掌声。我也一样鼓掌，第一次回到伦敦这么开心。或许也是天气的关系吧。


独自出走

独自游走的感觉可遇不可求，自由更是难求，或许以后会再次独自出走。


德国

七天的德国（北部），是另一次的震荡，太多的资讯，太少的时间，我无法完全吸收，需要一点时间消化，消化东德和西德的点点滴滴，尤其是柏林，柏林人（和德国人）太厉害了，我五体投地。


不想

接下来的几天，会游走伦敦（或者英国其他地方）。夏天是旅游的季节，现在，我一点想回家的感觉都没有。

Today

It wasn't your typical gloomy London weather today. It was exceptionally bright and sunny, so much so that I regretted not wearing my sunglasses. I have been looking forward to the sun since ages ago, and now London has given me the sun that I was yearning for. Guess it is the long deprivation of sunlight that made today's sunlight seem so dazzling, that I kept walking under the shades wherever possible. Temperatures have hit an incredibly high of 25 degrees Celsius today, the highest this spring I think. So hot that I sweat along the way and I had to walk into some air-conditioned stores to escape from the heat. For once I thought I was back in Singapore, except that Orchard Road is definitely way shorter than Oxford Street and Bond Street, and the fact that temperatures in Singapore are unquestionably 10 degrees higher than that of London's.

So I was out today in search of "Lonely Planet for Germany" and the latest edition isn't out in stores yet. So I've gotten "The Rough Guide" which looks rather comparable, and two other Lonely Planet travel guidebooks (Greece and Czech & Slovak Republics). Yup, Greece (especially Athens and the Greek Islands including Santorini) and Czech Republic (esp. Prague, Cesky Krumlov and maybe Olomouc) will probably be my next destinations, along with France (esp. Paris, Loire, Nice and Lyon), Southern Italy (esp. Amalfi Coast, Siena and Sicily), Southern Germany (esp. Munich, Heidelberg and the Black Forest), Switzerland (esp. Geneva, Interlaken and Zurich) and Egypt etc. Spain, Portugal, Scandinavia, and the rest of Eastern Europe are off my list right now, but who knows.

Hopefully all goes well in Germany. My first time alone. Bless me.

(Looking forward to 15 degrees at Leipzig tomorrow morning.)

Friends Again

Finished 200+ episodes of "Friends" in three weeks.
Ten series of "Friends".
Ten years of "Friends".
Relationships spanning over ten years, not only ten years, perhaps eternity.
Ross and Rachel - it was a happy ending after all.
How many endings in this world are happy?
Without friends now, laughter is missing in my room at Max Rayne.

完了

完了。真的完了。知道今天的 essays 瞎掰地彻底语无伦次，成绩肯定不会很理想。我不管了，反正今年只占百分之五。明年再说，还是先去满足我旅行的瘾。

End and Begin

Exams will end in 24 hours.
That means, I'm leaving for Germany in 60 hours.
And I've just realised I've done ZERO preparation for the trip as of now.
Research on Germany NOT done.
Itinerary NOT planned.
Currency NOT changed.
Backpack NOT packed.
Everything is NOT done.
An exciting journey by myself is about to begin.

(I guess I'll revise for tomorrow's exam first.)

Electric Dreams

I need some slightly-faster music and some electric dreams now. Remember the mass dances?

Together in Electric Dreams by Human League

I only knew you for a while
I never saw your smile
’til it was time to go
Time to go away (time to go away)
Sometimes it’s hard to recognise
Love comes as a surprise
And it’s too late
It’s just too late to stay
Too late to stay

We`ll always be together
However far it seems
(love never ends)
We`ll always be together
Together in electric dreams

Because the friendship that you gave
Has taught me to be brave
No matter where I go i`ll never find a better prize
(find a better prize)
Though you’re miles and miles away
I see you every day I don’t have to try
I just close my eyes, I close my eyes

We’ll always be together
However far it seems
(love never ends)
We’ll always be together
Together in electric dreams

1429 hrs

现在外头 20 度／又再听林一峰的 "Paris in your eyes"／Moscovici 和 Milgram 在我的面前刚打了一场血腥战／我想跳出窗外／我要出去／可是／我不可以出去

一踏糊涂

今天的 "Memory and Decision" 考试九题选三题，我只读了四个课题。
抓的那四个题目，全部百发百中。
但是，读得太深入，结果，料太多，时间太少。
写得一踏糊涂。

倒数 21
～～回家之前
　　系列之一

其实，并不是很想倒数，只是情不自禁，又再次玩倒数游戏。

还有 21 天，我就要回家了。

我不是很喜欢 21 这个数字。甚至讨厌 21。很巧的，我还是 21岁，22 越逼越近。

现在想写点什么，却发现不知道要写些什么。

离开了整整九个月，九个月不能算长，但是肯定不能算短。

第一次离开这么久。

刚开始，以为把这次的出国等同于当兵的前两个礼拜，心情可能会好受点。但后来发现，这跟当兵完全不一样，至少当兵时，还可以 book out。

刚开始，很是想家，几乎发狂。

后来，慢慢地觉得科技发达，通过互联网追踪岛国新闻，仿佛没有离开过蕞尔岛国。

现在，却恢复离开岛国之前的恐惧。好不容易适应了伦敦的一切，回去之后，又要重新适应，这种滋味并不很好受。

其实，倒数游戏一点都不好玩。但大人总喜欢倒数，凡是脱离不了数字。小王子一语道破地说过：“大人们喜爱数目字。当你告诉他们你交了一位朋友时，他们从不问你重要的问题……只有靠这些数字，他们才会认为对人有了认识。”

很可憎的是，我已经升级到 21 ，成为所谓的大人。

这样看来，玩倒数或许也就情有可原。

浮萍

只因不愿扎根，
才落得一生飘零。

……摘自 XP 的文字选集。

林一峰

很久以前就已经听到这首《我和泡面》，不过当时并不晓得是谁唱的，最近才恍然大悟。

原来，一年前也接触到林一峰的创作，是孙燕姿的《遇见》，现在听了林一峰的 original demo 版本《By My Side》，就觉得孙燕姿唱《遇见》并没有什么大不了。林一峰诠释得比较真吧，下次在这里上载。

现在一直以 repeat mode 听他的床头歌和游乐 Travelogue，听到没有心情面对笔记读书，听到旅行的瘾又在心里头蠢蠢欲动。

没关系，还有七天，我就可以到德国和 Van Gogh 见面。七天。

向往德国多过向往回到那热带岛国。


《我和泡面》　　词曲：林一峰

等待的时光就只有我和你
拿一双筷子期待把你放到嘴里
世界给我几分钟
让你的味道
变成我最美的呼吸
我感觉到时间
感受到真实
每分每秒属于自己
我有个心愿　你到底知不知

等待的日子就只有我和你
开心不开心你最能满足我身体
口袋只有几十块
也能拥有你
给我温暖渡过危机
我忙得没法呼吸
见你总是容易
不管生活高高低低
我有个心愿　你到底知不知

艰难的生活已经成为过去
这一路走来
却一直等待
有谁愿意和我一起分享你
就算有一天一切回到原地

Friends

在两个星期内每天马不停蹄看了六个系列的 Friends ，比读书还用功。在娱乐自己减低考试压力的当儿，不禁想像十年后的自己是否会像戏里的六个主角一样，也有一群可以和自己一起天南地北的 30 岁的 Friends。时光如何地荏苒你我都知道，岁月的不留情是宇宙的定律，已经跨过了 20 的门槛，但是我还是很难相信，30 越靠越近。

日长梦多

清晨五点，天好像早上十点一般亮。
晚上九点，太阳还舍不得下山。
白天愈来愈长，黑夜愈来愈短。
我喜欢这样的日子，
也因此喜欢伦敦的春天，还有春天的伦敦，
能做的东西比较多，但是白日梦也做的特别多。
突然间又萌发去布拉格 (Prague) 的冲动，
想象在布拉格广场听蔡依琳唱她的《布拉格广场》,
想象在一间小咖啡馆看布拉格人的生活作息。
也想到挪威的森林游走，也想看看其他北欧国家 24小时都是白天究竟是怎样一番风景。
还有还有，我更想看到我一直憧憬的北极光。
我又犯了旅行的瘾，就像我的咖啡瘾一样，
没有旅行和咖啡，浑身就会不自在。
有梦总好过没梦吧。
我现在必须泡我的 espresso。

Freud

A month ago, I had an intuition that Freud will come out on today's paper though that psycho has never appeared for the past few years. And indeed, Freud came out today and it was a straight forward testing-your-memory-and-your-speed-of-writing kinda question, and clever me decided to give up on Freud last minute.

So instead of reproducing word for word on Freud's personality theory, I chose to argue why gays are gays and why lesbians are lesbians (the two other essays I wrote were on memory and babies), which weren't that bad, since these are the topics that I studied and they did come out after all.

I guess I should follow my intuitions for the rest of my papers.

Remarkable OreO!

OreO had an astronomy exam today morning, and from the time he received the timetable in March till he stepped into the exam hall this morning, he had always thought the exam commenced at 1030 hrs. So he embarked on the journey from Camden to school at 0930 hrs.

It was 1000 hrs and OreO thought it was still early. So he strolled to the school science library to return a couple of books, before beginning his navigation to the examination hall.

As usual, OreO couldn't find the examination venue instantly and after 20 minutes of searching, at about 1020 hrs, he approached two uncles outside a hall, which looked liked the very examination hall in which there were students inside scribbling furiously and which OreO passed by 5 times while searching leisurely for the exam hall, still thinking that he has 10 more minutes before the exam starts.

Then to his horror, OreO found out from the uncles that the exam had started 25 minutes ago and it was this very hall which he was supposed to be in right now.

Well done, OreO.

5 more minutes and OreO will be barred from the exam and fail this course unit.

OreO then anxiously reported to the chief examiner. The examiner showed OreO to his seat and offered to take his bag and jacket to the storage area.

OreO showed the examiner the required timetable and his ID card in return.

OreO then looked carefully at his timetable and the "1000 hrs" was mocking at him scornfully.

OreO perspired every single drop of sweat that he had stored for the past nine months in London, even though it was ten plus degrees Celsius in the exam hall.

OreO saw lots of stars and planets revolving around his eyes before he could start answering the questions on stars and planets.

How could OreO have thought that it was 1030 hrs all the while?

Nevermind for that question, OreO told himself that he must calm down and start answering the questions.

OreO wiped dry his sweat and took a deep breath and off he scribbled frantically on the answer sheets.

OreO scrawled and scribbled so fast that he finished the exam 45 minutes before the end of the exam.

So OreO double and triple checked every answer he had written, before he decided that he would die of suffocation if he continued to stay in the hall for the next half an hour.

So OreO raised up his right hand and handed in his exam scripts.

OreO strided out of the exam hall while the rest of the candidates were still scrawling.

Well done, OreO.

OreO was so impressed with himself: first, this is the first time in his whole academic life that OreO is late for an exam; second, he arrived 25 minutes late, and then he finished 45 minutes earlier. So OreO in fact spent only 1 hour 20 minutes, instead of the allocated 2 hours 30 minutes to finish the whole exam.

Erm... now OreO is thinking, he should have completed all the questions and sub-questions right?

Whatever, astronomy is his most confident subject. OreO is expecting at least an A for astronomy.

We shall see in a month's time. OreO has four more papers to go.

没变

妹妹说有朋友捎了这样一则 SMS 到我新加坡的手机：“Yo man wonder if u r back if so wan go ktv. i've ask peizi they all liao......”

看到这则 SMS 之后，我乐了一整个下午。

只有电话号码，没留名字，因为我的 phonebook 在我伦敦的手机里。但我马上知道发 SMS 的是谁。

几年后，他讲话的语气完全没变。

或许，有些东西是无法改变的。=)

热 vs. 冷

伦敦恢复正常的阴暗的天气，所有的春意盎然骤然间消失得无影无踪。下了一整个早上的细雨绵绵，我依旧没有撑伞，走去 Tesco 买我的牛奶和面包，让雨习惯性地打进我心里，模糊了眼镜，模糊了视觉，麻木了心扉。摄氏九度。热。真的热。回去摄氏三十度以上的岛国不知如何是好。我把暖气关了起来。非常热。热。

收到了我预订的 cartons 和书箱，准备从德国回来后，清理房间，整理我的书本和旅游的足迹，装进箱子里在 summer 的时候交由储存公司帮我保管。订了八大箱子，应该够装我所有的垃圾吧。没想到才九个月的时间，才五次的背包旅行，就累积了这么多的有的没的。现在对于回家一点感觉都没有。想离开伦敦，想回家，但不期待回家，或许潜意识是期待回家的。但此时此刻，是麻了。心冷了。心被雨水淋湿了。冷。

（不知道为什么，突然想起了在老舍《茶馆》跑堂的李三讲的“改良！改良！越改越凉，冰凉！”）

外热内冷。在摄氏九度的伦敦空气中。

这几天

这几天一点成就也没有，完完全全没有动到书本。该死。

上个星期四是第一张试卷，考 A 的机会根本没有，考 B 也好象不大可能，有 C 我已经很高兴。两个钟头写三篇 essay ，手一直抖，应该是太久没有用手写字了吧。

原来，在伦敦考试不只考验你的课堂知识，还考验你找寻考场的工夫。伦敦太大，学校小（也不很小，大概有国大一半的 size 吧），考场因此分散整个伦敦，而在学校进行的考试也只不过少过百分之十。我花了一段时间才找到 Liverpool Street 的考场。Camden 在西北部，Liverpool Street 在东部。新加坡整个国家的面积还不到整个伦敦的一半，可想而知伦敦的大。还有五张试卷，还有五次的 navigation。

考完后，一点温书的心情都没有，就这样不知不觉过了三天，什么也没做，只是找了适合的图案放在 blog 的 background 上面，只是又去了 Camden market 情不自禁又买了一条 diesel 牛仔裤，只是看了很多集的 Friends，只是沉浸在林一峰的音乐里，只是整天在发白日梦幻想自己在希腊群岛那该有多好。我现在很想去德国的 Berlin，法国的 Nice，还有希腊的群岛。

不行，我颓废了三天，我要考第一名。

文字饥渴

前阵子，我说我要停笔了，不想再写发生在自己身上的微不足道的生活琐事，不想再 update 我的 blog 了。

可是，后来又断断续续写了一大堆牢骚。

最近我又和一些很特别的文字邂逅，又读到一些老朋友写的方块字，文字的精彩很诱人，于是又想起在 LEP 的那些日子。

最终，我还是发现我无法完全停笔，因为文字是我的生命，是我毕业后的饭碗。我此时此刻对文字很是饥渴，写的冲动又回来了。

没错，我比女人还擅变。

说停就停，想写就写，我不想为我的文字负责任。这跟我日后的工作原则完全背道而驰。但是，我就是喜欢变。我无法面对同样的人事物太久，我很快就会对它们产生厌腻。我真的不知道合约满了之后，还有什么工作能够满足我的这个要求。

所以，现在就写一写不同的吧，写写生活琐事比较有感觉的人事物，写写生活琐事以外的东西，尝试玩味文字，慢慢咬文嚼字，写写打油诗，出国背包就尝试写写游记，可能会尝试填词（只在华初填过一次词，是作业，感觉还不错，还拿了个A+）。

琬仪写过：“年纪越大，越爱惜文字。要知道一篇写得好的文章，每一颗字都是经过筛选的宝石。”这是身在文林的人都知道的。

我的文字不一定具备吸引你的魅力，但是这对我不重要，毕竟现在写中文的人实在是寥寥无几。现在的（新加坡）学生，中文程度实在 cannot make it，读了他们的文字一点瘾都没有。身边的朋友也有的开始写中文了，至少都开始写了，至少我知道我并不孤单，至少还有希望，咱们一起耕耘吧。

《黑・白・异・境》是一个多月的过渡期；现在，《黑・白・异・境》《调・色・版》是重新出发。

所以，请原谅我的擅变。

Vincent's Starry Night

I can't wait for exams to be over. I can't wait to see Vincent's Starry Night!

Starry Night is in Berlin now, at the New National Gallery, until 19 Sept 2004.

I was wondering how come Starry Night was missing at Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam when I was there 3 weeks ago. Van Gogh Museum was kind of a disappointment and the admission isn't cheap (an exorbitant 9 euros, I thought the Uffizi in Florence was much better). So, I bought 3 of his paintings to make me feel better.

I didn't know Starry Night is in Berlin until WL told me. Ach so!

I have no plans to go to the United States as yet just to see Starry Night, at least not this year.

So Northern Germany (particularly Berlin), here I come. 3 more weeks.

Just because of Starry Night.

Although I do not know Vincent well, and I am not an art/painting aficionado, there are just some paintings on this world that you MUST see no matter when and what.

Starry Night is one of them. Just like Rembrandt's "Nightwatch" and Michelangelo's "Last Judgement".

Just like you must go to Old Trafford if given the chance, even if you are not a MU/soccer fan. Just like 不到长城非好汉.

I can't wait for exams to end. Jetzt muss ich studieren.


Vincent (Starry Starry Night) by Don McLean

Starry, starry night
Paint your palette blue and grey
Look out on a summer's day
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul
Shadows on the hills
Sketch the trees and daffodils
Catch the breeze and the winter chills
In colours on the snowy linen land

Now I understand
What you tried to say to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free
They would not listen
They did not know how
Perhaps they'll listen now

Starry, starry night
Flaming flowers that brightly blaze
Swirling clouds and violet haze
Reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue
Colours changing hue
Morning fields of amber grain
Weathered faces lined in pain
Are soothed beneath the artists' loving hand

Now I understand
What you tried to say to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free
They would not listen
They did not know how
Perhaps they'll listen now

For they could not love you
But still your love was true
And when no hope was left inside
On that starry, starry night
You took your life as lovers often do
But I could have told you Vincent
This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you

*Starry starry night
Portraits hung in empty halls,
Frameless heads on nameless walls,
With eyes that watch the world and can't forget.*

Like the strangers that you've met
The ragged men in ragged clothes
The silver thorn of bloody rose
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow

Now I think I know
What you tried to say to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free
They would not listen
They're not listening still
Perhaps they never will...