Monday, January 31, 2005

没有期限

我有预感他今晚会来和我聊天。

结果,晚上十点多,有人敲了我的门,我猜是他结果真的是他。

我的房间很乱,床上放满了我的衣服,而我正坐在房间里的唯一一张椅子上。

我懒得开门,喊他进来,然后背对着他,故意冷冷地说:“There’s no space in my room. You can sit on the floor if you want.”

他笑说:“Yah, thanks huh.”

然后,他犹豫了几秒,继续站着,之后拿起我的一些衣服,可是还是没有坐下来。

“Err… you can sit on the bed if you…”我还没有讲完,他就坐下了。

然后我放下了书本,从椅子移到床上。

结果,我们聊了 45 分钟,这次算短了。聊家常事,聊工作,聊明天打算做什么……就是没有提到那回事。

我知道他今晚想知道我放弃的原因,只是他始终没有开口问,我也暂时不想说,因为我自己还没理清我的思绪。

每几天和他聊一次天已经成为一种习惯,很是舒服。

每次都是他来找我,我委实佩服他的主动,还有诚恳。

我实在不知道我前世修了什么福认识了这样的一个朋友。

我肯定这段跨国界的友谊没有有效期限。

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

你在那边还好吗?

“Just a moment can change everything.”

This is what I saw on the Calvin Klein’s Eternity Moment advertisement at a bus stop weeks ago.

Just one moment…

***

I thought I have gotten over his death, especially since it has been over four years.

I have successfully tried to stop thinking about his existence and his death for the past four years (except for certain times). At least I thought I have.

Four damn fucking long years.

But well, I just realised that I haven’t.

Somehow or another, everything came back to me. My mind is flooded now, with his images, his voice, his actions, his music and so on.

If he were still alive, he would have graduated from NTU communication studies with a good honours degree, and probably he would have gotten a satisfactory job as well.

But no, he didn’t even have the chance to begin his undergraduate studies.

It took just one moment to change his future, and everybody else’s future.

Just that fall. Just that moment.

I wonder what would have become of me if he was my close friend instead.

***

我还记得他在报馆曾经打趣地对我说过:“你穿的 T-shirt 的四个箭头校徽实在耀眼。”

后来我才知道,原来,他也是黄城的人。

很巧的,他也曾是《黄城夜韵》的人。

可是,他应该没有料到,四个箭头的校徽今年正式走入历史,和他的命运一样,一样地走入黄泉。

如果他知道的话,应该会满腔愤慨。怎么说,他也曾是 student councillor,对黄城疯狂的程度,不在话下。

***

到现在,我还记得他的母亲在他葬礼的哭声。我们去了他的葬礼,听到他父亲说他多么能干,多么有为……听着听着,M差一点儿就哭了起来,毕竟他离开我们的时候只有 20 岁,而我当时只有 18 岁。

而我 20 岁的时候,我在干嘛?

***

原来,他也喜欢玩相机,也喜欢背包旅行,这都是他死后我才知道的。

当然,如果他不喜欢玩相机,他的尸体永远也不会被家人认出(警方是找到他的相机才确认他的身份,因为腐烂的尸体已经让他的家人无法辨认)。

当然,如果他不喜欢背包旅行,他更不会在虎跳峡跌进深渊里,一直往下坠,往下坠。

他从另一个角度,看到虎跳峡精彩的另一面。

没有人有这样的“勇气”这么欣赏虎跳峡。

虎跳峡本来已经很漂亮,现在因为他,而更加绚丽。

总有一天,我也要去云南,我也要去虎跳峡。

我要站在让他跌下的那块石头上。

***

我和他有许多的共同点,他走过的路我现在正在走着,是凑巧,是缘分,实在没有必要说清楚。

我也不愿意设想这么多。

***

当然,每个人都有离开的一天。佛兰克林形容的好:

“我们的亲戚友人和我们像被邀请到一个无限期的欢乐筵席里。因为他较早入席,所以他就比我们先行离席。我们是不会如此的凑巧地同时离开的。但当我们知道我们迟早也要跟他一样地离开这筵席,并且还一定会知道将在何处找到他时,我们对他的先走一步为什么要感到悲伤呢?”

但是,他只不过是早我两年入席,为什么这么早就退席?

这是我一直都无法接受的事实。

你在那边还好吗?

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Paralysing Knowledge

Straight after the first session on Sunday, I told Alvaro that I won’t be attending future sessions anymore.

In retrospect, I have to admit that I was very abrupt in telling him that I won’t be attending anymore.

So I wrote a note to him on Monday morning, offering my appreciations for his time and effort and concern, and then superficially explaining my brusque decision.

He then replied hours later in a note that was twice as long as mine, “…Regardless of what you think or believe, I hope you can find trust in my friendship… and in my prayers… I do not think anything is too late for you…”

Attached was a Calvin and Hobbes comic strip, illustrating his point.

Calvin said, “You realise that nothing is as clear and simple as it first appears. Ultimately, knowledge is paralysing. Being a man of action, I can’t afford to take that risk.”

Hobbes then replied, “You’re ignorant. But at least you act on it.”

Up till this point in my life, I just can’t find any friend(s) to trust that I can tell him or her or them everything.

It seems like I will be able to tell him everything soon, perhaps in a few months time.

I really need an outlet. And trust.

Monday, January 24, 2005

童话的幻灭

凌晨十二点。今晚我是应该写点什么的,只是脑袋从来没有这样空过。

80 多个曾经在城里做了绚丽的梦的我们,聚集在冷峭的异域,试图重温童话的梦幻。

但是童话始终是童话,童话甚至梦幻不起来,所以今晚我的心,也怎么样都温暖不起来。

我竟然如我预料的,完全没有感觉,所以我对不起城。

难怪他们本来答应我说要来的,可是今晚突然间都缺席了。MN 还发了一则简讯给我说:“Wont be at hcn tonight... Hope you had as much fun organizing it as I did... ”

现在,我突然间明白 MN 等等今晚缺席的原因了。

今年参与过就好了。如果还有明年的话, 我会缺席。

梦在心里,就够了。

(22-01-2005 0028 hrs)

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

极限

迷路的下午,我找不到回家的方向。

原本就已经很大的城市突然间变得更大更大。本来只打算在 Hampstead 跑步而已,结果从家里出发,沿着以往的跑步路线跑到 Holly Bush, 然后跑到 Zone 3 的 Kenwood House,再跑进 Hampstead Heath 绕了一圈,再跑上 Parliament Hill 鸟瞰整个伦敦市,然后 35 分钟后,在好奇心的驱使下,我跑出了 Hampstead 的安全地带。

我以为在 Hampstead 外围,绕完一圈就可以跑回家,我以为在小山上的 Royal Free Hospital 不会离开我的视线,可是我越跑越远,熟悉的景物,骤然全部消失了。

五度的气温是只穿着单层运动装的我继续跑下去的唯一推动力。

“不能停,不能停,否则冷死。”我一直告诉自己。

结果,我跑过了 Highgate, Kentish Town,差一点就转进 Camden Town。然后看到熟悉的 24 号巴士,才觉悟周遭的景物是我每天从巴士上看到的景物。接着是理所当然地沿着巴士路线,跑回 Hampstead Heath,然后当然是跑回家,总共花了我 1 小时 20 分钟。

再跑远一些,我恐怕会跑完半个马拉松。

这才发现,当人走投无路的时候,所谓的极限或许就不存在。

极限只是一个我们给自己的无能为力的荒诞借口。

下次,我会从家里跑去 Hyde Park,再跑回 Hampstead。

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Trout Inn @ Oxford

突然间莫名其妙地想念起 Oxford 的 Trout Inn。

一年前到 Oxford 找朋友,他们带我去了 Trout Inn ,还有那片草原,还有那几匹自由的骏马。离开 Oxford 的时候,我就知道我会对 Trout Inn 念念不忘。

就好象我肯定我离开伦敦后,一定会100% 想念 Hampstead crepes。

可是,我并没有料到才一年的时间,此时此刻的我竟然想念起 Trout Inn,而且是突然间的想念。

我也不知道为什么。

拥有900多年历史的 Trout Inn,坐落在 Oxford 的北部,属于郊区,远离尘嚣,相当隐密,而且靠河,所以也就非常清幽恬静。它其实是个传统的英式酒吧,Lewis Carroll 曾经在 1862 年在这里演读他的 Alice in Wonderland,现在也还是酒吧,只不过也卖起道道传统的英式佳肴美食。

我想念 Trout Inn 的 Trout,实在大,食物的分量也实在大,实在美味。还有甜品,实在棒,是我这一生中吃过最好吃的甜品。虽然很贵,一道主食加一道甜品大概 20 多英磅(60 多新币),但也贵得值得。

当然,我更想念当时在寒冷的天气中,我们本来是坐在河边吃饭的,结果受不了凛冽的寒风,搬进室内的滑稽,还有那时窝在有烟囱的传统火炉旁边,吃饭聊天的窝心。

还有还有,我怎么也忘不了那片草原的辽阔,还有差点就追着我们跑的马儿。那时是末冬,野花并没有遍满整片草原,所以我对自己说来年的夏天我一定会再回到这里。

只恐怕我等不到夏天了。找一天当我受不了伦敦的熙熙攘攘,我会和 Oxford 和 Trout Inn 重逢。

Friday, January 07, 2005

Camper Shoes
Camper - Comfort with Imagination (Part 1 of 2)


(Note: I am not paid by Camper to advertise their shoes. Those who have worn Campers before should know that Campers are simply comfortable and imaginative. Now Camper is part of my body and I can’t really do without them, hence here are two whole entries devoted to Camper.)

Walking means travelling. Going from one place to another.

But in a metaphorical sense, it means progressing as well.

This is the firm conviction of Camper’s Walking Society.

“The Walking Society is a virtual circle of people from different social, cultural, economic and geographic realities, who individually or as a group, devote their imagination and their work to ideas, to coming up with useful, positive solutions to make the world a better place. Simply, anonymously, honestly.”

One such solution is the diverse and myriad quality shoes Camper has produced over the past 24 years.

By quality, I really mean quality.

Camper is not like Nike where the entire sole can drop off while walking on the street after only 9 months of use. That is precisely what happened to my Nike Air Max 95. From then on, I’ve never bought another pair of Nike and I never will unless Nike’s quality improves by 1000000%.

So far, my three pairs of Campers (all Pelotas) have served me excellently.

Literally speaking, “Camper means country person. The aesthetics and the values of this brand name are influenced by the austerity, simplicity and discretion of the rural world, along with the history, culture and landscape of the Mediterranean.”

Camper’s respect for tradition and craftsmanship marks their commitment to offering useful, original, quality products, at the same time constantly promoting diversity by means of the technical and aesthetic innovation provided by the team that makes up the firm. “We try, we strive, to make a more cultural, human approach.”

And Camper really did it.

Hence Camper’s shoes are simple yet creative, modest yet durable (and very light), useful yet humorous in a Mediterranean or Spanish way (especially the Twins collection).

With good shoes, walking is no problem. Hence, progress is no problem.

I clearly understand this fact ever since I've been walking almost everywhere when I first came to London two years ago. And ever since I’ve moved to Hampstead, I’m enjoying more English walks with the Spanish Campers, especially in the Heath.

As such, I have just invested 255 pounds in another 3 pairs of Campers: a pair of Twins (they are simply gorgeous, it took me such a long time to find them), a pair of Pelotas, and a pair of Mil boots.

3 pairs in 2 days. The staff must have thought I’m crazy.

But it was not an impulse buy this time round. I clearly knew which shoes and boots I wanted.

You know, guys, unlike women, do not try all the shoes in the store and then after hours of hesitation, decide which pair they actually want.

So armed with the shoes’ serial numbers and colour codes, I walked into Camper’s London’s busiest store at Covent Garden and, I merely spent less than 20 minutes trying the sizes, before swiping my credit card.

Well, it’s not that I’m freaking wealthy, but the shoes are on sale (I love the London winter sales!!!). As far as I know, Camper is never on sale in Singapore - an ordinary pair of Campers back home would have cost about S$300. Not only that they are expensive back home, the Camper stores in Singapore take forever to import the new collections - when it is already summer, the winter collection is still on the racks. So economically speaking, this current buy was a big saving. (Freud would say I’m rationalising).

Even though I’ve expended my savings intended for Peru, my heart didn’t ache at all. In fact, I felt ecstatic leaving the store with my new Campers.

“With our feet on the ground so we can continue to move ahead as we enjoy the walk in full awareness of where we are directing our steps. Simply, honestly, discreetly, we unite with everyone who devotes their work and their imagination to finding positive ways to improve the world.”

How often do you walk?

(Some parts in quotation marks are adapted from Camper’s “The Walking Society” Issue 9.)

Monday, January 03, 2005

I’ll pray for you

“Hey I will pray for you when I get there,” followed by 2 pats on my shoulders.

All of a sudden Alvaro, my Spanish friend knocked on my door and uttered this to me, leaving his Calvin and Hobbs with me before he left for his retreat. Apparently, he remembered that I wanted to borrow his cartoon though I mentioned casually only once days ago.

On another occasion 3 weeks ago, Father Joe left a note saying, “Just to apologise that I can’t be at your cake tonight because I’m out at a Christmas dinner for the priests of the area. Sorry! But I’ll say a prayer for you.”

Simple but emotionally edifying.

I’ll pray for you as well.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

今年的新年很静。

午夜 12 点,我依靠着睡房里的窗,让8度的风肆意玩弄我的头发,从 Hampstead 眺望着 Big Ben,Trafalgar Square 以及 River Thames 的烟火灿烂。

震耳欲聋的声响,振奋着伦敦和我的苦闷情绪,我目不转睛地看着瞬间出现又消逝的奇幻瑰丽。大家为 14 万丧身海啸的无辜儿女痛心哀悼。原来,生命可以如此廉宜。

“Even terrorists will not choose to launch any attacks within this time period.” 报章这样写道。

终于明白,人是无法抵挡所有事情的。

不过,我们还是能做点什么的,尽管多么微不足道。这是我的信念。

我正在认真考虑延长我的 Peru 义工行。

今年的新年很静。